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"my bus will take me.." - common application essay- "Life as a Journey"

jayph0821 1 / -  
Nov 6, 2010   #1
Hi, I am about to submit my common app in two or three days. Please fix any errors. thank you

Perhaps my life has been like a bus. Instead of going directly to the wanted location, it constantly stops and passes through designated stops, until it reaches my destination. Moreover, it takes a much longer time than driving a car, and much more effort in looking for the bus routes and schedules. However, it is very economical and diverse.

I was born in San Francisco, but I was raised in Korea from age one to thirteen. Therefore, my "Life-Bus-Route" began from a small town, Chil-Won, Korea. The town was isolated from cities and the townspeople were untouched by the city life. While it was a perfect place for my childhood, it could not fulfill my ambitions-to experience the world, to have a better learning environment, to study the complexity of life, and to maximize my ability to contribute to society by studying the universal language-English. My dream was very ambitious, so I had to leave my family and friends to achieve my goal. At the age of thirteen, I took the bus from my mom's nest.

First stop, Keego Harbor, Michigan. I stayed with my aunt's family. Their devotion to my education allowed me to explore America; I feel very much in debt to them. The adjustment was more difficult than I thought, but I settled my mind and prepared for the bumpy ride. A Tall wall called the language barrier was, and still is, my most challenging obstacle that always made the bus take a detour. I worked diligently to adjust myself as an American. As I repeated Disney Channel TV shows' subtitles, read Harry Potter in English, and absorbed new vocabulary everyday, I transformed. I was not the boy from Chil-Won, Korea anymore.

Due to my aunt's job transfer, somehow the bus landed in north Las Vegas, Nevada. My high school life began. From selecting classes to joining clubs, no one could help me out, because no one knew my ability, not even my aunt, who always thought that what I was doing was the best. I became more self-disciplined. I liked learning and challenging myself. So I simply chose the most challenging courses that school offered. For the first couple of weeks, I ate alone in the cafeteria, and it was painful. Since I knew how miserable it was to sit alone, I began to seek out others who ate alone and approached them. It not only made me glad, but made the lunchtime amusing for everyone. Moreover, as I engaged in Chess Club, Earth Elub, and Tennis Team, I became a part of a new society. My social skills improved exponentially.

When I arrived in a city named Summerlin, Nevada, I adapted again to become a part of a new society. Again and again, as I fought against loneliness and nostalgia, I accommodated myself and accepted it as a part of my destiny; even more I thought of it as a vitamin for this long journey. I excitedly searched for new things in my environment and found the school's Robotics team was fascinating. Since I was exposed to my grandfather's wooden workshop at a young age, I joined the team. At this place, I learned that all individual works are important, but cohesive teamwork makes the team even stronger.

Then I came to East Lansing, Michigan. Since this was my third change, I no longer was astonished by anything new, or unable to adjust well. I tried hard to spend every minute wisely by not only developing myself in academics, but also volunteering at a local hospital and researching at Michigan State University Plant Biology Laboratory. The importance of teamwork occurred to me again as I led the flute section in the Marching Band and played doubles on the Tennis Team. Every facet of my personality materialized deeply.

Next year, my bus will take me to my most desired college, and there, I will experience more about the complexity of life. However, that is what I have been waiting to learn and I am eager to challenge myself. For the last five years, I have trained myself to adapt to new environment constantly. Life is way too short and I want to achieve many things. So I decided to dual major in biology and political science, hoping to become a scientist and an international lawyer during my lifetime.

I chose to take this bus route all the way from Korea to arrive in my current stop. I admit that this was not an easy ride, and I faced my difficulties. However, the immune system in my body built up antibodies against many challenges; now I have an immunity to overcome any fearful viruses such as adaptation. No matter how long it takes or how far it is, I am satisfied with my decision and will reach my destination.

Kimayu 5 / 25  
Nov 7, 2010   #2
1)but I was raised in Korea
2)Therefore, my "Life-Bus-Route" began in a small town called , Chil-Won, Korea.

I think the bus theme is interesting.But at the end when you talk about the immune system and antibodies,I think it somehow doesn't fit with your whole essay.This is just my opinion though.

Good Luck!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 14, 2010   #3
A Tall tall wall called the language barrier was, and still is, my most challenging obstacle that always made the bus take a detour. ----I don't think it still is an obstacle! You write very well in English!

Earth Elub Club,

Next year, my bus will take me to my most desired college, and there (no comma necessary here) I will experience ...

You used a very clever theme. The bus metaphor is perfect.

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