Will someone please read my paragraph on Emory's supplement? Thank you!
The topic is:
Many students decide to apply to Emory College based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons for making Emory College a possible college choice, why is Emory College a particularly good match for you? (Please limit responses to no more than 250 words per question.)
My Essay:
Unlike many students, I have never visited Emory's campus. But as I sifted through literally hundreds of universities, Emory appealed to me as a perfect match. Maybe I was drawn by the admission representative's unswayable enthusiasm for the school or maybe I was lured by the picturesque booklets I received from Emory. As I researched deeper into the university, however, I also fell in love with its academic opportunities and close-knit community. As I already have my education and career goals in mind, I was excited to learn that I can pursue a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration in the Goizueta Business School. I feel that with Emory's liberal arts foundation and Goizueta's intensive business curriculum, I can be well rounded while following my business ambition. Also, with the university's flexibility in majors and minors, my wish to continue my love of the visual arts while concentrating on business is not so unrealistic anymore. I can pursue both a business education in Goizueta and a minor in visual art. The university's vibrant student life and unique activities such as Outdoor Emory also appeal to me greatly. Not only do I wish to study in an academically esteemed university, but I also wish to be a part of a lively community. I have chosen Emory as I believe it has all the components of what I hope to include in my college experience.
Your essay is very good for only being 250 words! You use great diction, and the sentence structure is excellent! However, as this essay is about you and your interests, for the first few sentences, I would dive right in to telling Emory College all about you, versus your search to find the right college. I know I had a difficult time with this when I was applying to FSU, and had to condense my life story into 500 words(hard for me, because I write a lot!) I am very impressed with your essay and hope the following revisions will help you perfect it!
Unlike many students, I have never visited Emory's campus. But as I sifted through literally hundreds of universities, Emory appealed to me as a perfect match. Drawn by the admission representative's unswayable enthusiasm for the school , I was further lured by the picturesque booklets I received from Emory. As I researched the university more throughly, I also fell in love with its academic opportunities and close-knit community. Although I already had my education and career goals in mind, I was excited to learn that I could pursue a Bachelor's degree in Business Administration with the Goizueta Business School. I felt that with Emory's liberal arts foundation and Goizueta's intensive business curriculum, I could be well rounded while following my business ambitions.
Also, with the university's flexibility in majors and minors, I discovered my wish to continue my love of the visual arts was not so unrealistic anymore. I could pursue both a business education in Goizueta and a minor in visual art. The university's vibrant student life and unique activities such as Outdoor Emory also appealed to me greatly. Not only do I wish to study in an academically esteemed university, but I also wish to be a part of a lively community. I have chosen Emory because I believe it has all the components of what I hope to accomplish in my college experience.
Thank you so much!
That was really helpful!
I had a hard time writing this, I feel so much better now. :)
