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business or engineering, "Vires, Ates.." - Insight on structuring and organizing


RHsses 1 / 1  
Oct 9, 2010   #1
I have a lot of trouble coming up with a way to answer this essay question and would love some input on what i should change. It is 651 words so i am also going to have to shorten it.

Thank You very much!!!

The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

I had no idea that my view of personal strength was about to completely change when my physics teacher Mr. Kezar stopped in the middle of class to share a thought with the class. But it did, as that was when I realized the beauty of intellectual strength. He asked every student, one by one, what his or her favorite television show was. He then asked, "why"? I realized that everyone's favorite show was related to a topic they understood. Why would someone watch a show about something they do not care about or even understand? It was then clear that the reason I love to learn, the reason for my desire to understand the inner workings of everything is that it makes me happy. Think about what make you happy and what makes you smile. Whatever it happens to be you enjoy it because it challenges your strengths, because you can understand it and then appreciate that you are intellectually, morally, or physically strong enough for it.

There are many people who love to watch football, but why? They understand it and appreciate the difficulty of it. Other people love to play Sudoku, to gaze at stars, to study philosophy or to collect art. The things that define a person are said to be their greatest desires, their hopes and dreams. People are different because they love different aspects of life. I admire the beauty of intellectual pursuits and I know that to be happy in life I must pursue my intellectual desires until they are completely fulfilled. I know that the Florida Southern University is the place that will give me the ability to take full advantage of my intellectual potential.

We see people everyday who have let go of their dreams and settled for something less. My father left school when he was sixteen years old in Northern Ireland. He certainly had "vires" as he began working, doing what he could to become stronger. He worked his was up and eventually took over a failing business in Ireland, using his strong desire to reach his goals and make the company successful. He soon did this again with two other companies and even with property. He followed his dreams and was strong enough to become successful. My family has now been living in Florida for seven years and my father's strong drive for success allows his to do what he loves, and that is business. My mother is now a real estate agent and broker. I am surrounded by the reality that anyone can do what desire to do. The most driven people I have ever met have raised me and if nothing else I have inherited the desire to become stronger and more successful every day.

As a child I always wondered how devices worked, I would disassemble them and learn how they operated as I challenged myself to put them back together. My parents always made me work for something I wanted, rearely did I get something simply by asking for it. I hated this as a child because all my friends were bought everything they wanted. Nevertheless I couldn't be happier that they raised me in such a way because it has made me stronger and I appreciate the work one must invest before getting what they want. I attempted to start a pool cleaning business to no avail. So I started cleaning and maintaining boats and eventually had enough customers that I could pay my friend to help me out. In ninth grade I invested in a business of my own, buying capital such as bicycles and kayaks to rent out to people on vacation in rental homes. This was successful and is now called AMI (Anna Maria Island) rentals. I feel confident that I can further my strengths in business and or engineering at the Florida Southern University and cant wait to do so.
sofiaagarciaa 1 / 3  
Oct 9, 2010   #2
your first paragraph is a little confusing. try to tell your story as you normally would, don't jumble the words around to sound intellectual, it creates awkward word structure. also, try not to rephrase the prompt, remember: they want to see something they've never seen. use your imagination, think outside the box. Your essay is on it's way, just take into consideration what i've said and mix it around a little. Hopefully you'll get into FSU! maybe i'll see you there :p

p.s. try not to add new information in your concluding paragraph, bring everything you've spoken into it and conclude your essay with a great last sentence.. try to make them remember you!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 12, 2010   #3
... the middle of class to share a thought with us.

Capitalize: He then asked, "Why "? I realized that everyone's favorite show was related to a topic they understood.

here is a way to improve it, I think:
I admire the beauty of intellectual pursuits and I know that to be happy in life I must pursue my intellectual desires until they are completely fulfilled, and they include the subjects of ______, ______, and ______.

I know that the Florida Southern University is the place that will give me the ability to take full advantage of my intellectual potential. (can you replace this sentence with one that says something specific about why FSU is better than other schools, given your specific intellectual interests?)

You do a good job of explaining your ideas about vires, but the essay seems to end abruptly. I would be good if you had a thoughtful conclusion paragraph...

and also, in the beginning, I think you could add one more sentence to the intro to help the reader understand the connection between vires and "enjoying what you understand."
kcrunk 1 / 1  
Oct 12, 2010   #4
This is a bit of a small detail but were you planning on changing Florida Southern University to Florida State University? You have it stated twice and I don't believe the admissions board at FSU would appreciate the name switch up.

Sorry, I just wanted to point it out. Switching parts of the names would be something I would probably do but never notice until it was too late.


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