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business management, Reasons for transferring -- Common App

Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve....

College is the finest thing that one should do after high school. I graduated high school Spring 2008 and immediately in the fall became a student at California State University, Monterey Bay. After two years I found that the location was not for me. I wanted a vibrant metropolitan area. Coming from the Bread Basket of the World better known as the Central Valley, I have always had the urge inside to move to an urban area in California such as Los Angeles or San Francisco.

I was confident when my first semester at the university that I wanted to pursue my education as a Business Administration major. My first business college course I took was Macroeconomics; I found that I was very interested in the course because it pertained to how you see everything in a bigger picture and how all of these decisions sum together. I became more involved in business and had high hopes in having a career in the management department. In preparation for my business studies, I focused on taking a lot of general requirements for business majors and some undergraduate requirements at CSUMB.

In the two years that I have attended, I have made lasting relationships with students, professors, and staff. As of right now I have decided to go forth and apply for Loyola Marymount University. I feel it is time for me to step forward from small town university as CSUMB and expand my horizon to another level of thinking. I love the idea of keeping that small school charm but surrounded is urban living. I love the idea of incorporating knowledge and skills learnt in the classroom with present day events.

I would study business management most efficiently and gain valuable work understanding through LMU. In addition, since I have an interest in business management and economics, LMU would be the ideal place for me to learn at, not only because it is a leading university in this field, but also because you are able to obtain both your Bachelors of Business Administration in a setting where there is a mere 1,300 students within your major, compared to a larger school with 5,000 students are all aiming for the same thing.

Furthermore, since LMU is located in the suburbs of Los Angeles, I would be able to engage in community services and other active organizations both at LMU and in the LA area. Because making connections with diverse people and with the humanity is important, LMU would provide me with an environment that best fits my desires. In the end, LMU would be the college of my interest and if accepted I would love to be a part of the university

Dec 28, 2009   #2
I am also from Central Valley (Fresno.)
This is a great essay. You focus in all the aspects you wanted. My advices are:
-I graduated from high school
-My The first business college course...You use I next to this so I think it sounds better like this.
-I found that I was very interested...I would change the word "very"; it is not a good word to use in a college app.

-in the course because it ... I don't know if the comma would be necessary between the "course" and "because", but I would use it.

-I became more involved in business and had high hopes in having a career in the management department...I would change that sentence to something else.

-In the two years that I have attended...Where? You did not mention CSUMB there. =)
-As of right now I have...Comma.
-for to Loyola Marymount University.
-from a small town university as CSUMB

It sounds good to me. Revise it and add what you think needs to be added.

Good luck, and I hope this helps!
Read mines please-
Bowdoin Supplemental...
FPU and Pepperdine...
Thanks in advance.
EF_KevinThreads: 8
Posts: 13,840
[Contributor] 129  
Jan 3, 2010   #3
College is the finest thing that one should do after high school.

This is a simplistic, obvious thing to say, and not anything that is really helpful.

The first paragraph tells some things about you, but can you tell the story in a way that has a theme? End your first paragraph with a statement about your personal aspirations, and create a feeling of urgency because of the seriousness of your plan for college.

Yes, as I finish reading it, I see that it is well-written. You write very clearly, and without errors. I just think the essay needs a THEME!!

Give a memorable phrase in the first paragraph, and then refer to it a few times as you tell, throughout the essay, about the experiences you had.


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