"Business Professionals of America" - Common App Short Response help- BPA

Would this be an appropriate response ?
I would appreciate any help.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer)

I remember thinking to myself at first, "who would want to be in Business Professionals of America It sounds so tedious." How wrong I was! This great club has offered me countless opportunities to put my passion for business and technology into practice. From our small classroom meetings to the competitions at the National Convention in Anaheim, where my love for computers helped me advance to the national level, it has been a constant source of motivation and knowledge. Since becoming the Chair of Fundraising, in charge of our Software-Selling Project, I have also learned a lot about the operation of a small business, from entering orders into our specially created database to customer support.

Being part of Business Professionals of America has provided me with the perfect environment and challenges to prepare me for what lies ahead.

It's a great idea for a response.

But this sentence needs some help:
I remember thinking to myself at first, "Who would want to be in Business Professionals of America? It sounds so tedious."

How wrong I was! --- good energy

This great club has offered me countless opportunities to put my passion for business and technology into practice.
Great job... how about making one more connection between this and your chosen field? :-)