I am intending to apply for College of Business in UIUC this Fall 2011. My SAT scores are slightly below the average and I understand that my admission much rely on my essay. Please review 2 of my essays below and please be strict if you would.
Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
I grew up in a big family with a business tradition. From time to time, I often heard the adults discussing about gold prices and currency exchange... I did not understand what they said back then, but that might be the reason why I started to find business very intriguing.
During the two years living in Czech, I was often brought to the office where my father worked, where I learned so many things about the management system inside a company. As a boy full of curiosity, I could not help but ask him plethora of questions about business and began to pay attention to the news and read the morning papers. Soon I realized that our everyday lives involve myriads of business transactions, from buying food at the grocery stores to paying the rent. I love the field because business is not just simply about trading to gain profits, but also about taking risks, determination to compete, thinking intuitively without being doctrinaire about situations. Out of many aspects involved in business, Finance is my favorite field.
In my understanding, Finance is the science of funds management, reflecting the relationship of social distribution of wealth in the form of value, incurred in the process of formation, creation and distribution of funds of different owners in the economy to achieve the objectives in each of certain condition. As I delve deeply into the subject, I found even greater passion for this science. This is the reason why I chose Economics and Accounting as two of my subjects in high school.
I have dreamed to be a successful businessman, to prosper myself and contribute to the society . Those dreams gave me a goal to strive for. They abetted my endeavors to achieve the goals I have set. For me, choosing the right university will provide a firm foundation that will allow me to strive higher and succeed in my future career as a financier, and I believe that the University of Illinois is the right university for me.
Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
The annual Singapore CAMP-Challenge Leadership Camp is my favorite summer activity. The word CAMP stands for Change, Adapt, Mastery and Plan: . Participants experience a personal Change due to paradigm shifts. As the transformation sets in, challengers learn to Adapt to it and Master that change. They are then challenged to Plan and implement true changes that will leave a lasting legacy in their lives.
The program consists of a 3 to 5 days trip to a specific campsite, in which there will be a planned schedule of activities such as Paintball, High Rope Course, Rock Climbing, Abseiling, Team Building Activities and Rafting.Through these activities, I was able to discover my own potential, overcome own fears and hesitations, mastering orientation skills as well as learning to take risks, inspire, contribute and work together as a group. For example, I was able to overcome my fear of height, and finally took the first leap down the steep rock. I was once chosen to lead my team in an orientation challenge. With only a compass and a list of directions, I had to bring my team to different places on the island, to overcome challenges and solve puzzles on the way. I began to understand that becoming a good leader is not just about being independent and decisive, but also caring, understanding every team member, willing to listen and being open minded . Being around nature, I became more environmentally conscious as I realized the importance of it in our society. During the past Leadership camps I learned the value of teamwork, that the best way to achieve any goal is to unite together.
I believe that life is the best school for everyone. A good student does not only learn knowledge inside the school, but also from the larger society. The annual CAMP-Challenge Leadership camps, along with many other extracurricular activities such as Soccer and Badminton clubs, have helped me to maintain my physical and mental health, tremendously sharpened my social skills to be more successful in any facet of life.
Keep that verb tense the same:
As I delve deeply into the subject, I
found find ...
Participants experience a personal Change due to paradigm shifts.
I don't understand this part. Maybe you can add another sentence of explanation to make sure the reader understands.
The progr
am consists of a 3 to 5 days trip to a specific campsite, in which there will be a planned schedule of activities such as Cut out all this wordy explanation. The reader does not need the details.
Keep this good stuff: Paintball, High Rope Course, Rock Climbing, Abseiling, Team Building Activities and Rafting.
Through these activities, I was able to discover my own potential, overcome own fears and hesitations, mastering orientation skills as well as learning to take risks, inspire, contribute and work together as a group. Replace this generic-sounding observation by sharing an original insight, some idea that you have your own cool way of explaining.
:-)
