Business Transfer Essay (Finance major) - Professional Statement

Please help, thanks!

How will the College of Business fit into your future goals?

I am applying to be a Finance major at the UIUC College of Business because it is the best way for me to gain the preparation I need to reach my goal of working as a Financial Adviser. My efforts at UIUC have brought me great success so far and I will continue my hard work as a student of UIUC's nationally ranked Finance program. This will put me on the right track to learn as much as I can about Finance so that, in addition to being more qualified for work, I will be able to apply my knowledge to advise my own family and friends on financial topics.

I've been masterful with money for as long as I can remember. It pains me every time I see someone make a poor choice related to the use of their funds. Being filthy rich and having a large bank account might not make a person happy, but spending money in an effective manner can definitely leave someone feeling happier in the long run than if they blew their money unwisely.

Throughout my life, money has always been a very limited resource for my family. This makes it especially important for our financial decisions to be well informed and thought out. For this reason, I made it my own responsibility to be up-to-date with all the information related to a decision before it was made. When we need to buy a new product, select a new service provider, or choose a new insurance plan, I make sure to research every possible alternative so I can keep my parents aware of their options and help them make the selection that best suits our needs. I truly felt like I was easing the stress of my parents and doing my part to ensure that our funds were well spent in a manner that maximized our success and happiness. It was a rewarding feeling.

I was excited when I realized there was a job for people like me who enjoyed assisting others in their financial matters. My goal is to work as a Financial Adviser so that I can help individuals as well as organizations handle their finances in the most beneficial way. I will be pleased when I can expertly advise my clients on how to best manage their investments and suggest useful strategies for easing the financial part of transitions such as marriage and retirement. I recognize that transitions like those are such enormous life changes that they can be stressful enough without financial issues to compound problems, so I would be happy to give them a little less to worry about. It would be fulfilling to know that my clients were getting their needs met and achieving more success because of me.

In conclusion, the desire to help people with their finances is what drives me as I work toward my dream of becoming a Financial Adviser. I know how stressful it can be for people to be faced with financial issues that they are not prepared to handle because I have witnessed the struggles of my own parents. I do my best to help them as it is but I am only a student. Once I am a Financial Advisor, I will have the potential to make large positive impacts when it comes to assisting people in using their funds to meet their needs. I look forward to the day I can tell my parents that their worries about their financial plans can finally come to an end because I'll keep everything under control.

I just have a few suggestions, a few rewordings to make it sound a bit more professional rather than casual talk.
again these are just suggestions, whether you go through with the changes or not is entirely up to u.

I am applying to be a Finance major at the UIUC College of Business because I strongly believe it is the best way for me to gain the preparation I need

It pains me every time I see someone make a poor choice related to the use of their funds. Being filthyvery rich and having a largesubstantial sums in a bank account might not make a person happy.

I was excited when I realized there was a job for people like meMyself who enjoyed assisting others in their financial matters.

I recognize that transitions like thosesuch transitions are such enormous life changes that they can be stressful enough without financial issues to compound problems, so I would be happy to give them a little less to worry about.take part in reducing their worries.It would be fulfilling to know that my clients were getting their needs met and achieving more success because of me.

The reason i took out the last sentance was because you have previously stated that you like to help others with their financial problems. theres no need to restate it.

but over all... i personaly enjoyed reading this.. and i trully wish u all the best of luck, i hope your able to follow ur dreams and reach your goals.

Good Luck!!

The first sentence of the essay is... lackluster. (Did I even use that word correctly? I don't think I have ever used the word lackluster.) The first sentence accomplishes one thing: It tells them you want to be a financial adviser. But I want you to revise it so that it accomplishes 2 things: It tells them you want to be a financial adviser, and it also catches their interest by surprising them with your unique idea, outlook, or plan. Do you know what I mean? If you include just a few more words in that sentence, you can make it very powerful be hinting at the theme or concept that you want the reader to associate with you.

The second sentence does not accomplish much either: My efforts at UIUC have brought me great success so far and I will continue my hard work as a student of UIUC's nationally ranked Finance program. ------They already know about the rank of their program, and they already saw how your efforts are reflected in your transcript. I think you should revise the intro so that it punches the reader in the stomach with a CONCEPT that will intrigue them and help them remember you.

in addition to being more qualified for work, I will be able to apply my knowledge to advise my own family and friends on financial topics.----This is just practical reason for choosing this profession. It is not a sentence that persuades the reader to look favorably upon you.

As I continue to read your essay, I think your special concept is... your vision of the future as someone who can help friends and family by doing what you do best.

And I also notice that the only lackluster paragraph is the first one. I would LOVE to see you change this so that paragraph 2 becomes paragraph 1. I love that second paragraph. I also love that last sentence of the essay!!!

The only para I don't like is the first one. :-)