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'Businessman and bank clerk' - ESL student transfer essay

piggy911227 1 / -  
Nov 24, 2013   #1
Prompt 1: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Growing up in a family where father is a businessman and mother is a bank clerk, I believed that as an obedient girl in a traditional Chinese family, I would follow my parents' steps to pursue my career in Economics even though I was not interested in it at that time. However, my interests in Economics was unexpectedly motivated by some incidental curiosities. Questions such as "Why was the U.S. dollar 'turned' to be RMB when my uncle mailed me lucky money from America?" "What has a new paper bill experienced before it become old?" or "Why can I bring a plastic card to 'exchange' for some goods?" and "Where does the money go after we 'hand' it to the bank?" have always been on my mind. Gradually, I would ask for answers from my parents. As I gained my answers, more questions would pop up on my mind. From then on, I would explore more about Economics by reading books on my own. As my economic knowledge increased, I found myself being more attracted by Economics. I understood that Economics is not a boring subject; instead, it is so fascinating that as small as a meal to as big as a country is always associated with Economics. Since then, I gained an absolute interest in Economics and determined my mind to major in Economics when I attend university.

When I first landed in America in 2010, the world was facing economic downturn. While my families were upset about the economy, I saw the period as a chance to invest a house. I suggested my parents to sell my dad's factory in China, and to use the proceeds to buy a house in America. However, my parents rejected my suggestions. In order to convince them, I brought up a specific statistics to tell them why I insisted. Firstly, I assumed my parents would buy a house that valued $210,000, because I knew that my dad's factory had a worth $210,000 after being evaluated. Then, I made my calculation. If we continued to rent the factory at a price of $1,000 per month, it would take at least 17 years for my parents to buy a house at a price of $210,000. Also, I believed purchasing a same house after 17 years would cost a lot more as economy recovered. I told my parents that it was an intangible benefit to buy a house during economic downturn, because the values of houses would also increase following by the economic recession, and we could also release from paying $1000 a month for rent. Finally, my parents were convinced and bought a house for $173,000 the following year. Now, the house we are living in has appreciated to about $210,000. By the time I knew the appreciation of the house, I developed more self-confidence; and I also knew that I should pursue my dreams no matter what difficulties I would face in the future.

Honestly, my passion on Economics was reduced when I first came to America, because I got lost, in some way I believed, that I would be disqualified to talk about economy as a low-income immigrant. Fortunately, the experience of purchasing a house that appreciated in value definitely cheered me up. I realized that talking about economy is not the patent of the rich; I, as an immigrant of a low-income family, could also involve in the talk because Economics always has a shadow in our lives. Now, my goal is to become a economist and to encourage those who have passions on Economics but get lost because of immigrating to America using my immigrant status.
lynsiecheri 5 / 12 4  
Nov 26, 2013   #2
I think your essay does a good job of painting who you are and where you come from. I think that you should try reading the essay aloud, because there are a lot of missing words like in your first sentence --

Growing up in a family where my father is a businessman and my mother is a bank clerk, I believed that as an obedient girl in a traditional Chinese family, I would follow my parents' steps to pursue my career in Economics, even though I was not interested in it at that time.

I think you could make this sentence a little more interesting as well. Remember this is the first thing admissions officers will read. You want to grab your reader's attention immediately. Also, I would love to hear more from your parent's perspective. You noted that as an "obedient" girl you should follow them...so give us a little background. Tell us about how growing up they encouraged you focus on math or how maybe they gave you lessons on it. The obedient choice of words I feel is where you can really grab our attention.

Also, I think you need to work on the story of the house more. It needs to flow better. As someone who isn't remotely interested in economics, some of the terms you use need to be explained. Tell how you parents felt after moving. Were they happy and thankful they listened to you? I think it might be beneficial to take out the exact dollar amounts and just say in the end, the appreciation of my parent's home grew significantly. Tell us where you stand in the family now. Do you parents consult you on money decisions? Do you have a valid voice in the discussion of their affairs? Also just give more detail overall. You can tell us what kind of factory your dad had. Also why you wanted to move to America in the first place. I think you touched on it a little bit, but just be more detailed. I really liked how you connected in the economic downturn everyone has faced...excellent! Also, I wouldn't suggest calling yourself a low income immigrant. Low income families don't own homes. Honestly, for America, that's middle class. You kind of put a negative tone to the end of the essay. You want to end the essay on a positive, upbeat note. You want admission officers to see your dreams, not what you think is negative about yourself.

Hopefully this helped you.

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