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A businesswoman-to-be: GWU Supplement Essay: What attracted you to GWU?


enjaprak 1 / -  
Jan 10, 2010   #1
Please critique? It's due today :|

Attach an essay of no more than 500 words indicating what most influenced you to apply to The George Washington University (required of all applicants).


The quiet Hispanic family prayed as the volunteers began to fervently serve food to the hundred or so homeless people seated in the Shared Bread food kitchen's dining area. Whereas others tended to greedily take a plate from my hands before I even set it down, this family always kindly thanked me for the food and passed the first plates I set down to their grandmothers and children first. In a situation where it would be understandable for them to think of only themselves, they instead showed kindness and respect that humbled me.

Although I could not continue my service at Shared Bread due to its distant location, the volunteering opportunity helped me to witness how the less fortunate lived in reality. Hence, the volunteering opportunities that colleges offered became an important factor in weighing which school would best fit me. Coming upon the George Washington University's website after reading about the school in one of the thick college guidebooks at Borders, I became increasingly interested in its Neighbors Project, which would help me to interact with any of the nonprofit organizations that is associated with the school. Also, GWU's Freshman Day of Service is the only such event I have heard of that is hosted by a university and its focus to honor veterans holds a special meaning for me because of my late grandfather's service in the Korean War being recognized with a burial in the Seoul National Cemetery. For me, GWU's involvement with its city conveys its well-roundedness clearly.

However, I am not merely impressed by the school's notable activities students can partake in to get involved with the community; the school's academic opportunities intrigues me equally, if not more. As an eager business prospective student, how could I ignore the recognitions the George Washington School of Business boast? Ranking as 38th on the 2009 list of U.S. New & World Report's America's Best Undergraduate Business Programs, GWSB not only provides students excellent faculty for the intellectual preparation for the future , but also programs and services for hands-on experiences.

Undoubtedly, transitioning from the small world of high school into the real world of college will instill both fears of excitement and apprehension. And for that reason, the First Year Development Program of GWSB will be perfect in extinguishing my anxiety and igniting my passion for business management even further because of the assistance I will receive and the mentors I will meet. The GWSB Paris Study Abroad program as well as the myriad of distinguished speakers who visit, such as the FedEx CEO, Frederick Smith, will only continue to motivate me to becoming a successful businesswoman.

I consider GWU to be the best fit for all of my needs as a humble student who wishes to give back to those in need and as an enthusiastic businesswoman-to-be. I believe that the knowledge I will gain in and out of the university will aid me to become a better person in general.

Thanks in advance!
demuredelight 2 / 22  
Jan 10, 2010   #2
Hey Yeajin,
This is a great essay. It's free of language errors. I like it because you talk about both who you are and how GWU will extend your goals. More, you also recognize both academic and non-academic aspects of GWU. I think it's more than ready for submission.
yang 2 / 313  
Jan 10, 2010   #3
because of my late grandfather's service in the Korean War being recognized with a burial in the Seoul National Cemetery.

because my late grandfather was buried in SNC because of his service in Korean War (I feel that an active tone would be more powerful)

Ranking as 38th

I get that you want to show your research, but I wouldn't go so far as to list the number, than to say that it's ranked highly. You don't know whether the school takes this number with pride or not. They might absolutely hate the ranking NW gives them since they could get higher ones elsewhere

will instill both fears of excitement and apprehension

I feel that present tense here would be more vivid, like "instills in me..."
also, fears of excitement? I don't think it's a valid combination, plus apprehension is already fear. I'd say "excitement and apprehension (for the unknown, to be cheesy).

Paris Study Abroad program

Did you ever talk about studying abroad? If you don't want to explain this, I'd suggest dropping it.

aid me to become a better person in general

Compared to your last sentence, this seems to be a very week finish. I'd suggest coming up with a stronger, at least more specific, description of what you hope to become through GWU education.

Overall, not much to critique upon, but there are certain elements you should change, even if it's right before deadline, in order to make your essay stronger.

good luck!


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