Prompt:
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)
Life is a daily metamorphosis. I was born in a diverse town with many different cultures and religions. Where I grew up, white was the minority and ethnicities such as Arab and African were the major population. I grew up in an environment of diverse culture. The kids at my elementary school came from different religious backgrounds and ethnicities. As for me, I was a mix of both. My mother was born a white Christian American and my father was born an Islamic Bosnian. I was exposed to many different ways and ideas of life.
This, my father did not like. He had his set ways and beliefs, my new and different ideas scared him. My independent thought, however, did not scare him as much as the Bosnian war. We would get calls from his mother, excited about getting a can of beans for the day, there would be gun shots firing in the background. On top of that the area we lived in began to get worse. News of robbery, stabbings, and gangs made it clear we were not safe. The feeling of guilt, anxiety and worry made my dad sick. And our financial predicament did not ease his troubles. He took out his frustrations on his family. I was too young to understand.
Though we moved to a more safe rural area, the financial troubles and abuse carried over. I was not an egg anymore. I grew into a caterpillar. My mind matured and I began to speak out. My sisters and I were kicked out of the house often. It got to the point where my mother and sisters had to stay in a shelter. I never had a feeling of belonging, never to any religious group, ethnic group nor family base. But this I found myself with friends from many different groups.
I couldn't run from myself. At some point you realize there's no more running. Changes needed to happen. If I couldn't change the things outside of me, I would transform myself. So I put myself into a cocoon. For too long was I living my life on auto pilot. I put up many walls and had many strategies to avoid the discomfort and emptiness I felt. But by shoving it further and further down would not get rid of the problem. When everything fell apart I was left in nothing but what I was trying to avoid, my feelings of self-rejection, confusion, hopelessness and loss.
Give energy to receive energy
I didn't believe in anything-- anything except myself, my potential, and my dreams. I feel curious about my inner purpose in the world. Whether it was playing sports with the boys, making clothes for my dolls, or being a finalist in my schools spelling bee, I always found talent in the things I did. As I grow up I find that my focus is still expansive. While much of my thoughts are abstract, theoretical, and philosophical, I also seek the concrete knowledge and the scientific laws that so silently run our lives. You have to know the rules to break them, and that is how new ideas form, and we have evolution.
When faced with adversity I know what it takes. You don't complain and wonder why. You use your mind, your talents, your gifts. When I couldn't afford nice clothes, I made them. When I couldn't get a job and needed money, I sold my hand-knitted hats. I have learned to be resourceful and to make the most with what I have. For having lost everything, I had a lot.
I see the big picture, and understand the little details and steps it takes to get there. I believe in my dreams. My every day is a step toward self-mastery, understanding, improvement of myself and my environment. I know to improve a society, you improve yourself first. After much introspection, long walks, and self-exploration, I was able to understand myself. By understanding myself, it enabled me to understand others. It took a long time, but I now understand and respect my father. I am over joyed to say that we now live togetherïas a family.
I jumped into the icy watersïalone and by myself. I will forever continue to search my mind and soul, diving into new avenues, testing what this life could be. I know there is a divine will working, guiding, me to new beauty, challenges and destinations.
I like your ending, though you use "understand" six times.
Also, when you are listing things like nouns, verbs, adjectives, and such, you have to put a comma before the and.
(My english class is on a grammar binge.)
Other than that your essay seems great to me.
To an admissions officer the metamorphosis metaphor might be repetitive though, so be wary.
Ah i see, thanks! i also think my theme of the metamorphosis is shown throughout enough.. ill try to re-write and integrate it more to make it more strong. If anyone can help me with that, thatd be great
Here is my second draft! please take a look!
Life is a daily metamorphosis. I was born in a diverse town with many different cultures and religions. Where I grew up, white was the minority and ethnicities such as Arab, African and Mexican were the majority. As for me, I was a mix of both. My mother was born a white Christian American and my father was born an Islamic Bosnian. I was exposed to many different ways and ideas of life.
This, my father did not like. He had his set ways and beliefs, my new and different ideas scared him. My independent thought, however, did not scare him as much as the Bosnian war. We would get calls from his mother, who was in the war zone, with terrifying gun shots firing in the background. On top of that, the area we lived in began to get worse. News of robbery, stabbings, and gangs made it clear we were not safe. The feeling of guilt, anxiety and worry made my dad sick. And our financial predicament did not ease his troubles. He took out his frustrations on his family. I was too young to understand.
Though we moved to a more safe rural area, the financial troubles and abuse carried over. I was not an egg anymore. I grew into a caterpillar. My mind matured and I began to speak out. My sisters and I were kicked out of the house often. It got to the point where my mother and sisters had to stay in a shelter. I never had a feeling of belonging, never to any religious group, ethnic group nor family base.
I couldn't run from myself. At some point you realize there's no more running. Changes needed to happen. If I couldn't change the things outside of me, I would transform myself. So I put myself into a cocoon. For too long was I living my life on auto pilot. I put up many walls and had many strategies to avoid the discomfort and emptiness I felt. But by shoving it further and further down would not get rid of the problem. When everything fell apart I was left in nothing but what I was trying to avoid, my feelings of self-rejection, confusion, hopelessness and loss.
I didn't believe in anything-- anything except myself, my potential, and my dreams. I feel curious about my inner purpose in the world. Whether it was playing sports with the boys, making clothes for my dolls, or being a finalist in my schools spelling bee, I always found talent in the things I did. As I grow up I find that my focus is still expansive. While much of my thoughts are abstract, theoretical, and philosophical, I also seek the concrete knowledge of scientific laws that so silently run our lives. You have to know the rules to break them, and here we have evolution.
When faced with adversity I know what it takes. You don't complain and wonder why. You use your mind, your talents, and your gifts. When I couldn't afford nice clothes, I made them. When I couldn't get a job and needed money, I sold my hand-knitted hats. When there was no home for me to study, I went to the library and early morning tutoring. I have learned to be resourceful and to make the most with what I have. For having lost everything, I had a lot.
I see the big picture, and take the little steps it takes to get there. My every day is a step towards excellence, self-mastery, and improvement of myself and my environment. I know for a society to improve, you improve yourself first. After much meditation and long walks of introspection and self-exploration, I was able to understand myself. I became more capable of relating to others. It took a long time, but I now have a feeling of compassion and respect for my father. I am over joyed to say that we now live together-as a family.
I finally feel I am emerging from my cocoon. Perhaps a wing is out, or maybe two. You give energy to receive energy and I will forever continue to search my mind and soul. I will lead myself into new avenues, testing what this life could be. I know there is a divine will guiding me to new beauty, challenges and destinations; to become the symbol of the butterfly--- freedom from evolution.
I saw the mistakes I made by comparing your two drafts with mine. Repeating words do sound horrible!
Very interesting topic indeed, definitely will entertain the reader. I don't have lots of time left so I can't say much :(
