Hey guys!
Below is my response to St. Olaf's prompt: During Interim, St. Olaf students pursue a single course, often of an interdisciplinary nature. If you could design your own Interim course today, what would it be? (500 word limit, I use 488)
I think I have some good ideas, but my two points of concern are:
1) It looks like I am preaching a sermon.
2) I have a very weak ending
Could you please read it and let me know what you think? I promise to read your essays in return :)
"We buy your shit and sell it back to your for a profit", said the scrawny short man to the elderly tourist from England. Blunt as he was, Babu Bhai - the outspoken middle-aged aluminum trader from Dharavi - wasn't very far from the truth. Located in the heart of Mumbai, this sprawling slum is home to about 15,000 factories, many of which buy scrap metals and plastic from the UK by the container load, reprocess them into new products, and export them back to the US, the UK and Australia for huge profits.
Last summer, I had the opportunity to join a group of English tourists for a guided tour of Dharavi. Walking through unpaved passageways and crossing sewage-lined alleys, I met the most incredible and feisty people I have ever known. Meera-bai, the bangle seller from Uttar Pradesh who after years of abuse, threw out her drunkard husband and decided to take care of her two young daughters by herself. Over time she expanded her business, which secured her a profit of about Rs.15,000 every month. Veeru Appa, the owner of a plastic recycling plant, who learnt the ropes of the business from his father. He employed about 20 men at his factory, where they recycled plastic to pellets and wires which were then sold to bigger industrial users.
Whether Dharavi in Mumbai, Bhalswa in New Delhi, or Basanti in Kolkata, slums are the dirty secret of this country. My interim course at St. Olaf would be titled 'From ---- to ----: the Power of Entrepreneurship in Hidden India', and cover subjects as diverse as waste management and urban development, economics and entrepreneurship, women empowerment and diversity. What better way of learning about waste disposal, than from those for whom recycling isn't a choice, but a necessity of life? What faster route to acquaint yourself with real life economics than watching the many NGO's working in tandem with the local mafia, banks and the government to provide affordable loans to those in need? What shorter path to mastering various aspects of urban planning, than by finding the innovative designs in ramshackle constructions? It would also be a telling lesson in diversity. In my short trip, I learnt that diversity is not only the color of your skin or your sexual orientation, but a mindset that informs how you communication and actualize community.
Where many of us get upset over broken air conditioners, these determined souls work day and night in violent and overcrowded surroundings to provide better lives to their families. There is much to be said about the entrepreneurial spirit of Hamid - a 17 year-old orphan boy from Dharavi, who fishes out gold particles from the run off sewage from local gold recycling plants. I am confident that a few weeks spent with people like him would teach my classmates and me a thing or two about bottom of the pyramid innovation and local governance.
Hi,
I like your essay in general. To be honest, tourist essays don't get much better. I think you have nicely combined insightful personal experiences with academic and practical interests.
And to answer your question, no, it doesn't sound preachy. The ending isn't your best, I liked the second to the last body paragraph, and if you can find a stronger way to wrap up this essay, it can work really well!!
"acquaint yourself with real life economics"
" your skin or your sexual orientation"
I would caution using "you" or "your" in this kind of essays. It becomes rather vague as to who you are really trying to address. You can usually replace it with "one."
Good luck.
Thanks for your response, Iloveyoghurt (LOL!).
Could you suggest some way to end this? I have been writing essays all month and it feels like I am out of juice!
At the beginning you stated "We buy your shit and sell it back to your for a profit." I think that 2nd your should be a you. Anyway you used 488 words so I would suggest trying to add a sentence or 2 and possibly rearrange the order of the last sentences so that it wraps up better.
This is one of the best essays I've read, great job! Hm a possible ending, "Before enjoying the luxuries offered at home, I want my students to experience rock-bottom."
WizFan2
Hey WizFan2, thanks a bunch!
How about this for the last para (I am trying to tie it to the first line):
Before working in world class labs, I want my peers to witness bottom-of-the-pyramid innovation; before starting their own companies, I want them to experience the power of local governance. After all, shouldn't we all be responsible for our own shit?
Not sure how an adcom would receive shit at the end haha, but I personally love it. This conclusion is much more powerful.
I guess I'll just have to submit it and find out :)
but i am relieved that it's better than the previous para.
thanks for the assist.
No problem man, good luck with all your colleges
Overall I thought your essay is really great! It was really insightful to me and you tied your personal goals and direction really well.
The ending can be improved, but your new ending is way better to me as it brings much more impact. And like WizFan2 said, I don't know what the adcoms will think about the sh*t thing, but since you already used it at the beginning, why not?
Though grammar isn't my forte..
What better way of learning about waste disposal, than from those for whom recycling isn't a choice, but a necessity of life? What faster route to acquaint yourself with real life economics than watching the many NGO's working in tandem with the local mafia, banks and the government to provide affordable loans to those in need? What shorter path to mastering various aspects of urban planning, than by finding the innovative designs in ramshackle constructions?
-The commas are unnecessary
-what faster route to acquaint... than by watching...
Just some really minor stuffs on grammar. Again I thought that this essay is great. All the best!
