Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6


'No Buzz Lightning' - Common App Personal Statement


glamazing 4 / 11  
Dec 26, 2011   #1
Any advice or critique as to how I could edit it, (it's a bit on the long side right now) is really appreciated! I will make sure I give my humble opinion on any of your essays to say thanks! But thanks in advance, in any case! :)

It is any child's dream to be able to fly. Most keep that spark of hope alive for as long as they possibly can; many through most of their childhood. Unfortunately for me, I had to come to terms with reality quite early in my life...and it wasn't in the easy way. I was seven years old when I accidently fell off a first-floor balcony. Needless to say, it was quite a traumatic experience for me, certainly more so for my family, but I managed to escape unscathed... except for the cast on my leg, but seven year old me counted that as more of a trophy of recognition for my bravery than a symbol of my misfortune. It was just another experience in my life, and yet, I know it was significant. While I acknowledge that the claim that this experience, one that I had absolutely no control over, was one of the most telling moments of my life might undoubtedly seem somewhat absurd, I chose to do so because of the simple reason that in many ways, it effectively epitomizes the underlying approach I have always had towards my life.

I am an incredibly fortunate individual. I don't make that assertion simply because of the knowledge that I fell off a twenty foot high balcony and survived. Ever since I was a young girl, my parents had never had any inhibition in illustrating to me that the things I had in my life were not things I could take for granted. I have always lived with the knowledge that, whether it is the materialistic possessions; the roof over my head, the clothes I wear, the meals I have, or even simply the experiences I have each day, each aspect of my life is something to be valued. For this reason, I have always tried, whatever the situation, to treasure the simple things in my life. Whether the good times or the potential tragedies, I treasure each experience with the same sense of pervading happiness that stems from the simple reason that I have so much to appreciate.

I remember smiling during a moment of triumph. My team and I had just won the Annual Drama Competition at our school, after two months of dedicated hard work. The entire twenty minute musical had been written, directed and choreographed by myself and my fellow Head Prefect and remembering the expression on our faces as we lifted that trophy makes me relive that moment each time; the pride and the unmitigated happiness we felt at that moment was undeniably something to be treasured.

I remember enjoying with the same intensity a moment of loss. It was the Inter House Basketball Tournament at my school and I, though no sportswoman myself, had agreed to take part simply due to the reason that our House would not have enough people otherwise. The fact that they had asked me to join the team clearly proved to me their level of desperation; they weren't in it to win it. This memory is not one of victory. In fact, we had placed last, with me having fallen flat on the ground more than once in the middle of the game. But remembering our expressions of laughter as we discussed those funny moments, none of us upset about our loss makes me realize each time the power each individual has to mold their own happiness.

I know that most of the time, I don't have any control over the circumstances of my life. Whether it's falling off balconies or being unfortunate enough to be born without a trace of any kind of sporting ability, some things I know that I am not able to change. And yet, the ability to react to these situations and the power to change my outlook when faced with them lies entirely in my hands. I know that, in being able to appreciate the things I have for what they are, I am able to open myself to a new realm of possibilities. My dreams of ever being able to fly might have been prematurely shattered but I know that, if I play my cards right, I have a free ride to contentment, and it'll take me there before I can say 'To infinity and beyond!'
Noobzilla 3 / 22  
Dec 26, 2011   #2
at some places it good...at others....

I remember smiling during a moment of triumph..

i don't know what to make of this para...has to have a sold conclusion each time i think

but you can do 1 thing that will be good, take one event and take it to the end...it MAY work out better then if you take all these events

AWESOME CONCLUSION...
OP glamazing 4 / 11  
Dec 26, 2011   #3
Thank you for your feedback! Yeah I think I might try to remove the additional activities, it's a bit too long anyway so I'll try to edit it.

Many thanks, I really appreciate it.
kakari 2 / 27  
Dec 26, 2011   #4
Hi glamazing!
I think your essay is overall well-written, especially conclusion is great. If I can make some suggestions, I'd like you to add conjunctions between paragraphs. You begin your paragraph with almost all "I", so it is a bit difficult to follow. Good writings always have proper conjunctions between the paragraphs. In addition, you should avoid provide too much incidents in your essay. I suggest you focus on the most important incident that impact on you, and describe your conflict or passion with it.

I know our deadline is approaching, so don't worry too much about my suggestions. If you feel fine, then your essay has become ready. Thank you!

Please read my essay, especially extracurricular one if you can (;
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 26, 2011   #5
Ama

I actually like the fact that she mentioned the two incidents which showed exactly what she mentioned in the last line of paragraph two. The only thing is maybe the flow between the paragraphs was kind of abrupt. Conclusion and introduction were amazing! & the overall essay I think was brilliantly written except for a few grammatical flaws here and there.
OP glamazing 4 / 11  
Dec 26, 2011   #6
Thank you so much everyone for your critique, but I have actually decided this essay does not do a good job of highlighting my strong points and desire to succeed, and will edit out quite a bit of it. I was thinking of using the Basketball memory for my extra curricular essay however, any critique as to if it works, is greatly appreciated. Zoey and Kakari, I will give my reviews on yours as promised! Many thanks!


Home / Undergraduate / 'No Buzz Lightning' - Common App Personal Statement
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳