Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
This essay is 722 words which I would like to cut down a little if I can. Please tell me exactly what you think of it and any grammatical errors you find. Thanks in advance!!
My family migrated to California from France when I was in 2nd grade. I felt lost in this new world; moving from a bustling metropolis to a calm countryside would surely leave any child in a state of bewilderment. At the time, my knowledge of the English language was limited, which handicapped my ability to communicate with classmates. I went to my family for guidance. Talking with them became an ultimate source of relief, and over time I started to realize how great an impact they had on me.
My sister introduced me to the grandeur of music, and I began learning the guitar and piano. After five years of practice I started playing at recitals and parties. One of my early aspirations was to become a renowned musician; however I soon realized that finding gold in the music industry would be extremely difficult. At the same time, my brother began tutoring me in English and Mathematics to keep me on par with my classmates. His support played a pivotal role in my education, and I quickly became a fluent English speaker. In sixth grade, I won my school's spelling bee and placed ninth in the district. English became one of my strengths, and even though my professors started noting me as a creative writer, I knew that I would not want to go down this path in college. At the same time my brother's help made me realize that I had a strong passion for mathematics. By the 8th grade I was convinced that whatever career I would delve into, mathematics would have to play an integral part in it.
The support my siblings have given me throughout my life has had an invaluable part in shaping who I have become. If it were not for my sister's lessons, I might have never realized how great of a medium music is to channel my emotions and creativity through. The countless hours I spend playing instruments is just a reflection of how I have come to appreciate life past academics. My brother's engagement has also been crucially important throughout my years in school. While I now handle my academics independently, his guidance helped me realize the general direction I would like to go in college. However my siblings were not the only ones in my family to have a strong influence on me; my parents also played a crucial role.
My parents have always been the guiding light, telling me to work hard and reminding me that I define my own future. The morals and responsibilities they have given me over the years are things I will keep with me forever. There has not been one punishment I have received that I have not learned from, and their decision to get involved in my education defines their true levels of benevolence. They gave me many chances to explore numerous careers, and it was not until one such opportunity during my freshmen year that I finally found the career I was seeking.
Mathematics is a broad subject. After all, there are dozens of careers which are heavily involved in mathematics; it was not until I received the chance to accompany my dad to work that I finally found a job I was fascinated by. As a civil engineer, my dad was responsible for the management of construction projects in schools all around the Los Angeles Unified School District. That day, he and a group of engineers were responsible for the establishment of a new fire alarm system in an elementary school. From measuring the integrity of support beams to examining the electrical systems of each classroom, I began to admire his work and tried to get engaged myself. However, what appealed to me the most about his career was the purpose of it. Engineering is the art of applying mathematical and scientific concepts to design systems which ensure the safety of people. After seeing this first hand, I knew that this would be the field for me.
Whether I was staring down from an apartment balcony at the traffic-congested streets of Paris or looking up at the clear skies of Simi Valley, I always thought of myself to be very fortunate of having a family watching over me. The countless afternoons I have spent in my siblings' rooms are times I will cherish eternally, and all the reunions we have around the dinner table have made me realize the true value of family: priceless.
Talking with them became an ultimate source of relief , and over time I started to realize how great an impact they had on me.
My sister introduced me to the grandeur of music, and I began learning the guitar and piano during my leisure.
However my siblings were not the only ones in my family to have a strong influence on me; my parents also played a crucial role .
My parents have always been the guiding light, telling me to work hard and reminding me that I define my own future. The morals and responsibilities they have given me over the years are values I will keep with me forever. There has not been one punishment I have received that I have not learned from , and their decision to get involved in my education defines their true levels of benevolence.
As a civil engineer, my dad was responsible for the management of construction projects in schools all around the LAUSD (what is this?) .
The essay is good, but it ends abruptly. I know that it's long and you need to cut it down, so maybe rephrase the paragraphs about your siblings so you can combine them into one paragraph.
