Hi! :)Any harsh critiques are welcome! Since Im not a native speaker, it would be super duper awesome if you can leave some grammar edits or maybe change of the words being used!!! "
:D
Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
Is it DĂŠjĂ vu? No, it's something different, something more innate. I know I might sound like a sycophantic toady but speaking the truth, I DID feel an intuitive attraction to Carnegie Mellon when I visited its campus last spring. It felt as if the magnetic field under CMU was pulling especially hard on me and telling me that this is my dream, where I want to attend. Unable to repel the compelling persuasion, I was drawn into Carnegie Mellon like a kid drawn into fresh snow.
I developed my interest toward computer science in my sophomore year of high school when I took my first computer science class. I still remember vividly the day when my current Computer Science/ Advanced Object Orient Design teacher visited my math class full of excitement and motivation. He had been going around into different classes making speeches about the fun in computer science in an effort to persuade more students to take the computer science next year. His eyes, I mean literally, sparkled in robust as he started talking about the robotic projects in Computer Science 1 and the Blackjack and Grid World projects we would encounter in Computer Science 3. And, yes, I was one of the rare students who sat there and listened with mouth wide open and eyes drilling on to the teacher in ample of fascination. That was the moment I was officially introduced to Computer Science. Until then, growing up in a family with a mother who believes that...and a father who doesn't believe the existence of Bluetooth has completely blocked any ray of lights exposing me the computer world. But this dilatory exposure, in contrast, opened up the doors for my inclination to finding the enchantments of computer science.
As the countdown to college applications started, I was also coming to a decision for my major. For years, my parents have been alluring me to the road of being an interpreter/ translator by telling me how its salary ranges and pointing out how I already have advantages in that field since I know three languages fluently and Spanish conversationally. However, becoming an interpreter or a translator, it just didn't feel quite right; I wasn't apt for it. But on the other hand, I did not want to waste the only ascendency I had. "Ah HA!" it suddenly hit me. Computer Science is the potpourri of something I desire to do and something I can incorporate my language skills in: programmers need to learn multiple programming languages that may have similarities some way, as in my case, I already know many different languages that are similar in their basic grammar structures. Therefore, I decided to pursue Computer Science in college.
Because of my ambitious approach to the field of Computer Science, I am looking for somewhere that allows me to span my wings freely and fly over different part of the field. Thus, when I found Carnegie's School of Computer Science, I heard a "Click!" At SCS, its educational and research programs extends over numerous disciplines, which allows students , such as myself, to explore different interests within the field of Computer Science. This is why I decided to chose Carnegie Mellon as my first choice and probably why I was struck with the unearthly attraction to Carnegie Mellon when I took my first step onto its campus.
Hello
CM has, as you know, one of the top 3 computer science programs in the World. You will be competing against students that have created programs, websites, designs and other amazing computer related inventions. Your essay is as shallow as they come. Besides the grammatical errors(which can be justified by being a foreign applicant), your essay has absolutely no substance. Why Carnegie Mellon? What are the resources there that you will need? Why, Why, Why? Saying that you are drawn to the school like magnetic field is not a reason. This essay needs to be more encompassing. Talk fully about your passions, talk fully about the resources that you intend to use. As it stands right now, this essay will almost certainly get you a rejection letter. -AAO
Hope this helps.
Hi admission2012! Even though I said any harsh critiques are welcome, I still died a little inside when I saw your "this essay will almost certainly get you a rejection letter" TnT But you are totally right! I need to change my essay to be more passionate and talk more about the resources they have not just the three lonely sentences at the end. I ended up changing half of my essay completely but now I think it is a lot better! Thanks you! :)
