Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. Tell me what you think.
Breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs, toast, and political unrest. Peering out the kitchen window, I noticed the sun's rays as they gleamed over the magnificent Alborz Mountains, illuminating the protesters on Tehran's winding streets. Men and women, young and old, rich and poor, all assembled together like little pieces of a mosaic. Passionate individuals of every sort were working towards a greater cause. They called for a free and open political atmosphere where the government respected the will of voters.
It was June of 2009, and this summer's trip to Iran was undoubtedly different. I was amidst the largest Middle Eastern mass protests prior to the Arab Spring. I always knew the Iranian government was oppressive, and not just because of my uncle's abnormal rants at family dinners. They were imprisoning, torturing, and even murdering otherwise innocent civilians who just wanted to voice their discontent. Growing up in America, where freedom of speech is so highly revered, it was difficult for me to comprehend the atrocities being committed before my eyes. These people were having their basic human rights shattered. But throughout all the violence, the protest movement lived on. Marches persisted through clouds of tear gas. If a protester was killed, the demonstration at the funeral would be twice as large. Closing the streets only sent them to the rooftops of apartment buildings, compelling me to join in on the chants of "Esteghlal, Azadi, Jomhori Irani" ("Independence, Freedom, Iranian Republic"). The Iranian people were resolute and determined.
The empathy I have for my fellow Iranians is limitless. It is my personal responsibility to take advantage of the opportunities I have in front of me: to get the best education possible and utilize it to impact the world in a positive way. My noteworthy upward trend in grades, participation in my county's Model County government program, and founding my school's Politics Club are all reflections of the influence the protests had on me. Nonetheless, witnessing these horrific events has fundamentally sculpted me in a way that cannot be conveyed through statistics and scores. The ambitious and resilient nature of the protestors has inspired me to be just the same. I have learned to always strive for the best, no matter what challenges stand in my way. A passion for politics, world affairs, and human rights has driven me to pursue a future career in international law, specializing in human rights. The protests also contributed to a higher appreciation for our freedoms and prospects in the United States, which we as Americans so often take for granted. Most importantly, I have learned that the only way to reach a goal is to mobilize and achieve it by any moral means possible. When served a breakfast of uncertainty, it is your responsibility to make a dinner of harmony.
"Men and women, young and old, rich and poor, all assembled together like little pieces of a mosaic". - Try rephrasing it.
"my personal responsibility" - isn't personal redundant
"My noteworthy upward trend in grades, participation in my county's Model County government program, and founding my school's Politics Club are all reflections of the influence the protests had on me." - Now, this sounds a bit pompous. Also, admission officer can see all these from your application.
Overall: Except for the last paragraph no other paras speak about you, they speak about the Iranian movement (or whatever it is called). Even the last para does not strongly tell about you, it is more of a generalization.
The concept is good but make it more personal.
