Also, if anyone knows, there's no recommended length. This is 583 words. Too long? Too short?
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When I was growing up, I always bugged my parents with questions about the world around me. When I turn on the television, how does a motion picture appear? When my parents were driving me around in a car, how were we able to move? When I type on the computer, how do numbers and letters show up on the computer screen? When I continually asked these questions, I realized that, while they all had their own specific answer, there was a common answer for all: engineering. Engineering is why we can go from Georgia to California in four hours. Engineering is how we have been able to fight the Measles, smallpox, and diphtheria. Engineering is why I can submit a college application online.
My curiosity about how the world works shaped my interest in engineering. I want to be that guy who puts the questions in the minds of aspiring engineers in the future. As I grew older, walking around every day, I still asked questions. But I also answer them myself. And I try to make something out of it. In middle school, I was riding up an elevator when it hit me. How does an elevator work? That's when I learned about the world of mechanical engineering with pulleys, levers and wheels and axles. I put together a system of my own using wood and string. A pulley carried up a rubber ball as an elevator wood; it turned over on a wheel and axle, landed one side of a lever and blasted a smaller ball on the other side into a cup. Side projects like these were fun, but I wanted to explore my interest more. I wanted to see engineering as it's used in the world.
Intrigued by the thought, I networked with professional engineers who would teach me much about applications of engineering principles to real-life problems. My experience as an intern in the aerospace engineering department at Georgia Tech was an eye-opening adventure into the practical use of engineering in the real world. I worked as part of a team researching ways to construct a rugged, low-cost renewable energy device, a vertical axis wind turbine, for use in developing countries that extracts mechanical energy from the wind to power other electrical devices. I specifically had to work to strengthen the wind turbine blades with the desired effect of achieving higher and withstanding higher wind speeds in comparison to previous results. The journey I went through was like none other I had ever had before- I was helping develop something that could feasibly be used in the world.
My thirst for engineering led me to another internship at Xnth Engineering. I was assigned more responsibility in an engineering project than ever before. I used 3D AutoCAD design software to help design an anaerobic digester for construction in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It was here where I learned the greatest joy of being an engineer. Bringing theoretical ideas into material is an enjoyable experience, but it doesn't quite compare to the sense of satisfaction I get knowing that I helped society grow. To reiterate a quote from my supervisor, "you can be the smartest guy in the world, but if you can't use that intelligence to benefit society, you're just as dumb as the next guy."
I asked questions about the world around me. Now, I can ask questions, think of ways of answering them, and maybe even use those answers and apply them to something real.
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Thanks for the feedback!
When I was growing up, I always bugged my parents with questions about the world around me. When I turn on the television, I asked, " how does a motion picture [bad word choice, would you have said this when you were a kid?] appear?" When my parents were driving me around in a car, how were we able to move? When I type on the computer, how do numbers and letters show up on the computer screen? When I continually asked these questions, I realized that, while they all had their own specific answer, there was a common answer for all: engineering. Engineering is why we can go from Georgia to California in four hours. Engineering is how we have been able to fight the Measles, smallpox, and diphtheria. Engineering is why I can submit a college application online.
I get what you're saying. However, your grammar and mechanics are bad. Adjust the "how does it work" sentences to work like the first, but with variations of "asked." The Georgia to Cal example is vague, specify a plane. The disease bit isn't really engineering as much as it is medicine. The college example isn't a great example of engineering either.
Red stuff in the following paragraph is awkward/grammatically incorrect.
My curiosity about how the world works shaped my interest in engineering. I want to be that guy who puts the questions in the minds of aspiring engineers in the future. As I grew older, walking around every day, I still asked questions.But I also answer them myself. And I try to make something out of it. In middle school, I was riding up an elevator when it hit me. How does an elevator work? That's when I learned about the world of mechanical engineering with pulleys, levers and wheels and axles. I put together a system of my own using wood and string. [You happened to have wood and string in the elevator? And you happened to construct a model elevator in the elevator?]A pulley carried up a rubber ball as an elevator wood; it turned over on a wheel and axle, landed one side of a lever and blasted a smaller ball on the other side into a cup. Side projects like these were fun, but I wanted to explore my interest more. I wanted to see engineering as it's used in the world.
Sorry, I give up. Fix your grammar. It's really bad.
My rough writing is usually iffy too. To fix it, I read through my piece out loud and it becomes easy to find my errors.
Thanks for trying to help, but can you try to read the last two paragraphs?
None of the things you mentioned qualify as "grammatical" errors. All those "engineering" examples substituted the answer of engineering with the more specific answer. Planes, vaccines (it's as much biomedical engineering as it is medicine), computer. And obviously I wasn't on the elevator when I "had wood and string". I was on the elevator when the question hit me. I think that's pretty obvious.
Again, I appreciate the criticism. But in this case, it didn't really help me that much. Especially because you didn't read the whole essay.
