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How it all came to choose the career i want. UC application essay ("personal statement") Prompt #2


xoxo07 1 / 4  
Aug 31, 2014   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are.

Hey guys, well I finished my essay and I need honest opinions. Tell me if you like it or not, if I need to delete something or add that will make it better. Hopefully you like my essay and can help me out by improving it.

Most of us teenagers aren't sure what we want to do with our life, what career we want and how to take the first step to achieve what we want. I started by getting a class called health academy in my sophomore year, in which I don't regret now because now that I'm a senior I have made my choice in what career I want for my future. My experience became really helpful to me, in which it taught me things I wouldn't have known if I didn't take this step. As a health academy student it taught me the world of a doctor, nurse etc. My junior year I was enrolled in job shadowing/internship at a local hospital where I live. My first department was the PCU unit in which I didn't know what to expect my first day nor what it was about. This department showed me how to take care of elderly patients who just got out of surgery and are being taking care of. It wasn't what I expected nor what I wanted to do in the beginning but it's an experience where I learned something new every day and can help me out if I ever decide to do this, in which it gave me somewhat of an experience. The second department I did was Pediatrics, in which I liked a lot. The fact it had to do with kids really made me feel excited about it, I learned how to take care of sick baby's that need assistance more than just going to a doctor, as well as how to inject a baby. This department was something I would look forward to in the future if I decided to do this. My last department was Labor and Delivery. My first day was really excited because I got to experience a birth in which it leaved me speechless. Even though I was only able to be there for 3 days, I had made my decision already that I wanted to become a labor and delivery nurse. This opportunity gave me a once of a life time experience that without being in the health academy I wouldn't have decided the career I wanted. It sure taught me being in a hospital full of cautious every day, where patients come in and out of the door, but taught me stuff I wouldn't have known if I didn't do this experience. This experience make me proud because it showed me I was capable of being in a hospital environment, also that I enjoyed being with kids, especially baby's. But the most important thing is that I was able to decide that I wanted to be a nurse, something it which is not easy but I wouldn't give up because I wanted to prove myself and everyone else I'm capable of achieving my goal, but as well as finishing a career and be successful in life. It relates to the person I am because it shows I want to do something in life, go to a university graduate from there but as well as finish the career I want. Not only has it showed me what I want in life but experience something not many students are able to during high school. It relates to me in many ways but most importantly that I want to be successful person and achieve my own goal in being a nurse and having a good job working at hospital helping out to bring baby's into the world.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Aug 31, 2014   #2
This essay is a perfect sample of describing an accomplishment that you are proud of. It is obvious that you clearly understood what the prompt required of you and you had a clear idea of how you wanted to answer it. The experience and sense of accomplishment in relation to how it describes the person you are comes across without any question or doubt. However, I would like to point out some grammatical errors / corrections that I spotted:

I started by getting a class called health

- But somehow, I seemed to have always known that I was going to be headed for a career in the patient care field. Maybe as a doctor, maybe as a nurse. So I started by...

in my sophomore year,in which I don't regret now because now that...

helpful to me,in which it taught me things

- because it taught me...

My first department was the PCU unit in which I didn't know

... PCU unit.

can help me out if I ever decide to do this, in which it gave me somewhat of an experience.

- because it gave me work experience.

was Pediatrics,in which I liked a lot.

care of sickbaby' s that need assistance

- sick babies ...

if I decided to do this.

My first day was really excited because

- really exciting ...

a birth in which it leaved me speechless.

- a birth that left me speechless.

decided the career I wanted.

- decided on the career...

It sure taught me being in a hospital full of cautious every day, where patients come in and out of the door, but taught me stuff I wouldn't have known if I didn't do this experience .

- The experience gave me a preview into the cautious world of hospital care that i would not have known without this opportunity.

especiallybaby's .

-babies

something it which is not easy but

I wanted to prove myself and everyone else

- to myself and...

and be successful in life

- and becoming successful...

but as well as finish the career I want

- work in the career that I want .

what I want in life but experience something

- but I experienced ...

It relates to me in many ways but most importantly that I want to be successful person and achieve my own goal in being a nurse and having a good job working at hospital helping out to bring baby's into the world.

- ... I want to be a successful person by achieving my own goal of becoming a nurse,,, bring out babies...
OP xoxo07 1 / 4  
Sep 1, 2014   #3
Thank you so much after making these changes i feel that my essay is better !!
Anouar 12 / 35  
Sep 2, 2014   #4
I think that you stik to the topic by writing a clear and well-organized essay despite its simplicity but you need to focus on some gramatical errors that can disturb the flow of your ideas.

But admission offices need more creative essays


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