I would like grammar and content feedback please! my deadline is Thursday if i could get a response before then, that would be very helpful. (:
*Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. *
There came a time in my life when I absolutely hated my mother. As I remember the ill feelings I had towards her I am filled with great shame and sadness. My disliking towards my mother began the day of the 5th grade father daughter dance. I remember staying home and crying the entirety of the night of the dance, unable to go because I didn't have a father to escort me. I had locked myself in my room and refused to listen to my mother's comforting words. Without a sound explanation I blamed her for my broken heart and hated her for not giving me a "normal" family.
My mother left my father after experiencing physical and emotional abuse from him. In an effort to protect me from her experiences she gained full custody of me and we fled to the United States in search of a better life. However, when I was younger there was no way I could have understood that and would question my mother about why I only had one parent. She would give me a cursory response along the lines of "that's just how some families are" and then, that was enough to calm my curiosity about the subject. However, for event of the father-daughter dance that answer no longer sufficed and the realization of the effects of not have a present father hit me like a train. I realized that I was missing out on experiences that my friends and my peers got. I felt left out and wondered what all the other kids had done right to be rewarded with a family that I desperately longed for. In retrospect. it was normal for me to have those sort of feelings and it was also normal for my mother to feel the need to overcompensate. Even though my mother did not verbally express it to me, her actions demonstrated to me that she felt at fault for my unhappiness.
My world and mindset did not change until the end of middle school when I realized that my mother is my hero. I believe that as I began to mature, I began to see all the things my mother did for me all along. She was indeed my mother and my father. I look back at my childhood and remember every school play, swim meet, soccer game, and orchestra concert and the only thing I can picture is my mother standing in the front row with a smile so wide it brings me to tears. Even though it was just her in audience I know she had more than enough love to give to me. My mother has been my rock and I have watched her age as she struggles and sacrifices so much for my comfort and well being. To this day she still has not finished her nursing education to be able to work two jobs and provide for us. Not once has she complained and not once have I seen her falter.
The woman I owe my life to has perhaps taught the biggest life lesson that no one else could. Through her actions she has taught me strength and determination. She has taught me to never give up and make the best out of what you are given. From her I have learned hard work, so much that as soon as I was able to work I got a part time job to help her out in way I could. She has taught me independence and courage and countless other things. I can only hope to grow up to be as strong and willful as mother. I feel nothing but gratitude and admiration towards my mother, I did not need a father to give me happiness or to escort to some dance, my mother and I could just have our own. My mother gave me all the love and joy a child could ever ask for all, on, her own.
I'll give a suggestion about the reader's experience. You can INTRIGUE the reader if you switch the order of the paragraphs. Let the essay start like this:
My world and mindset did not change until the Near the end of middle school when I realized that my mother is was my hero. --- I changed 'is' to 'was' because it's best to keep the verb tense consistent within the sentence.
I suggest putting that sentence at the beginning, because the reader will see the title at first and assume this essay is all about self-pity (some students use these essays the way they should use a therapist.) BUT then when the essay begins you are intriguing their minds by saying she was your hero.
I challenge you to reverse the order and do not begin the essay with so much negativity. The negativity should be sandwiched in the middle between a positive beginning and end. It's the rising action of the essay.
I like your writing style!
I believe that as I began to mature, I began to see all the things my mother did for me all along.
