I'm applying as undecided/undeclared, which is why I don't state a very specific dream/aspiration in my essay. I would really appreciate extra pairs of eyes to look over my essay! Please include any thoughts or corrections that you think i should make. I wanted to thank you in advance for taking the time to read my essay!
also, do you have any tips on what i could title this?
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I'm like my Canon 50D DSLR camera. When people are asked to describe themselves in a few words, they complete this simple, yet complex task by answering with adjectives such as nice or caring. But similar to my camera, I have many different features, which makes it hard to describe myself in a few measly words.
While some cameras may have a plastic outer body, I, like my camera, am made up of a metal body. The outer body is the protection and foundation of the camera, which is represented by my family and friends. These people are with me every time I take a new picture, or in other words make a choice, however that photo may turn out to be. My family and friends, who support me in all my endeavors, are what make my body strong and durable.
On most cameras, you can zoom in on an object to observe its minute details or zoom out to see the whole scene in which the object is placed. When I was young, I used to be "zoomed in" on everything, a perspective I was accustomed to as a student of a small, private Christian school. But at the beginning of middle school, I had to move from a small private school to a big public school where I did not know a single person. This change seemed so drastic and daunting that my initial reaction was hesitation and apprehension; I eventually became accustomed to being a part of a large community and grew an appreciation for it because gave me an opportunity that was unavailable to me before: expanding my viewpoint. I realized that "zooming out" was much better than I had imagined it to be and have since then become a person who is open to new ideas and ready to confront any kind of challenge.
When a camera takes a photo, it must have the right exposure for the photo to come out beautifully. The exposure, or the outcome, of a photo, or a choice I make, is affected by the ISO, the aperture and the shutter speed, or in short, my morals, attitudes and personality traits. Any change to one of those three aspects of exposure can determine the outcome of the photo. If I changed any of the three aspects of myself, I affected the outcome of a situation I was faced with. The beautiful photos that I possess portray my greatest accomplishments, where as, the photos that were exposed incorrectly signify my failures. Mastering the art of exposure, like creating a good outcome, is a task that takes a lot of practice that everyone struggles with. Nonetheless, each choice I make helps me to learn from my mistakes and cherish my accomplishments.
Furthermore, my camera has the unique ability to change lenses. Just like my camera, I am able to change my "lenses" to expand my world and perspectives. Before, I was a zoom lens with a small area of magnification that I was focused on. However, at this University of California campus, I am eager to "change lenses" in hopes of achieving my dream of helping others. My world and the people who are in it have influenced me to have a passion for assisting people who are struggling or are less fortunate than I am. Here at this school, I know that I will be able to continually expand my world and views. I am confident that it is here that I will grow from being an amateur-grade camera to a one of a professional level.
Ok- Great! I love like extended metaphors.
JUST SUGGESTIONS
1. I say you start your essay with that great line. "I am like my Canon 50D DSLR camera" Then the rest of the paragraph. . . "Usually, when people are asked to describe themselves in a few words, they complete this simple, yet complex task by answering with adjectives such as nice, caring, or maybe even cynical. But, similar to my camera, I have many different dimensions (or something like that to close out the 1st paragraph) I just think it's more powerful, it makes them immediately want to read on. A simple first sentence that has readers craving more
2. 2nd Paragraph-"Many cameras are made up of a plastic outer body. . ." Do you have more than one camera?
3. In your last paragraph, you begin to incorporate UC into the essay. Great! Now take it a little more personal. . . Do some research and mention a name of a club/organization on campus that you would love to be a part of b/c it focuses on X, Y, and Z. That makes it once more, PERSONAL. Which they LOVE to see!
Hope I Helped, Check Out My "Why Afropsychology?" Essay If You Have Time- I NEED Help!
Thanks for the suggestions! I think I'm gonna go with the one liner! I read your essay and saw that it really made the essay more intriguing! (:
I actually have a couple of other cameras. I have a regular point and shoot but also those some plastic cameras (polaroid/diana/holga/the ones you can buy at urban outfitters)
For the third suggestion, i really like your idea but i might have a little trouble with it? I'm applying to several UC's through the internet & this essay (and the other one i wrote) is submitted to all six UC's.
Any other suggestions on how I could make it more personal?
Here is an recently edited version of my essay:
...
I would love some help with making the essay a bit more concise. The essay has a limit of 1000 words between this essay and another essay that i wrote, so if you have any suggestions, please post them up! (:
Thanks!
You are so creative and interesting! I like this essay... Here, I'll make a little suggestion:
...a perspective to which I was accustomed to as a student of a small, private Christian school.
...accustomed to being a part of a large...
Here is a place where it is convoluted, and some short sentences can help:
The exposure, or the outcome, of a photo, or a choice I make, is affected by the ISO, the aperture and the shutter speed, or in short, my morals, attitudes and personality traits. -----I suggest some short sentences, like "The exposure, or outcome, of a photo is affected by the aperture or shutter speed. Likewise, my..."
I like the part about changing lenses. Really, essays don't get much better than this; very clever!
