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I am a "Cameron Crazy" at heart.; Duke Trinity College of A&S/ Good match?


karatekid666 4 / 13 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #1
Prompt: (For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

I am a "Cameron Crazy" at heart. I have bled Duke blue for as long as I can remember, even when residing in the enemy trenches of Lexington, KY (home of the Kentucky Wildcats). But it was more than the thrill of watching the Duke men's basketball team make a late March run at a national championship that aligned me so strongly with Duke country.

Over my high school career, I have devoted much of my energies to community service and development initiatives. Most notably, in the summer after tenth grade, I made the journey to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, to work on an HIV/AIDS awareness campaign with a nongovernmental organization called People to People. We worked to alleviate the stigma associated with HIV/AIDS and promoted practices which we believed would lower the incidences of HIV/AIDS contraction. It was an illuminating experience because it helped me realize my dual passions for biomedicine and public health. The Biology Department and the Sanford School of Public Policy offer the academic infrastructure needed for me to pursue these two fields readily. Additionally, I have become fascinated by the opportunity to conduct fieldwork pertaining to global health and development through the DukeEngage program. Coupled with the aforementioned academic programs, I imagine that DukeEngage will afford the hands-on experience necessary to lay the foundation for a future career in health care delivery, either through forming health policy at a government level, or engaging in the administering of medicine as a physician. I see Duke as a place where the cultivation of these desires is not only possible, but highly encouraged and, for that reason, I cannot imagine a better place to spend my next four years.

//END

Does anyone think that I should just omit the entire first paragraph? What would be the benefit of keeping it in?
Thanks!
alicela - / 18 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #2
I think you should keep the first paragraph. It is an interesting introduction that catches the reader's interest. 'Over my high school career,' on the other hand, it a very typical beginning. However, you could try to integrate it better, so that the first paragraph flows more logically to the second. For example, you could omit or move the first sentence of the 2nd paragraph, and jump straight into the anecdote with 'In the summer after tenth grade...'. This would prevent an initial impression of typicality.

All alterations are suggestions affected by my stylistic preferences. How you choose to correct is up to you.

Overall, a strong essay, with few mistakes. Good luck!
OP karatekid666 4 / 13 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #3
Thanks for the feedback!
alicela - / 18 1  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
You're welcome ^__^

I forgot to mention this before, but another reason why your 1st and 2nd paragraph may need more logical flow is since the first paragraph seems to state that sports what mainly drew you to Duke, while in the second, it is academics. You can make the distinction by qualifying that sports initially drew your attention, but it was the academics was what made you stay. Then you could link back to the basketball you watched in your conclusion.
OP karatekid666 4 / 13 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #5
I LOVE that idea! I will make the necessary edits and re-post here.


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