It is topic of your choice so I decided to talk about a summer experience. I need to cut the word count down. I am not a very good writer so any help and comments would be greatly appreciated. :)
"I now declare the 2010 Canadian Gymnaestrada on", I heard the president of Gymnastics Canada announce to a full stadium in Winnipeg this past summer. This was not a competition but rather an evaluation to determine which groups would represent Canada in Lausanne, Switzerland in July 2011. Being part of a an event such as this is an entirely different experience from watching an event like this on television. I was fortunate enough to be among athletes from across the country in all five disciplines of gymnastics ranging from 10 to over 80 who had gathered together for this incredible event. Being present as an athlete at an event of this calibre meant the world to me especially since I had to "go through hoops" to get here.
I do not come from a family of athletes and my parents have never been favorable to the idea of competitive sports. Growing up I was exposed to wide variety of sports recreationally but competitive sports according to them takes valuable time away from studying. I realized soon enough that I needed something more than recreational sports - I needed a challenge. I needed to compete. I was attracted to rhythmic gymnastics because it was not like any other sport I had ever played. After much begging and pleading, I finally convinced my parents to let me compete. My parents were completely against the idea of me having to spend twenty hours a week in the gym especially since I was in a rigorous International Baccalaureate program. Being the persistent kid I am, I convinced them that my schoolwork would not suffer and I found a club that would enable me to become a national athlete.
Having been an only child for 9 years, other than the occasional school trip and a summer vacation to Europe with my grandparents, my parents and I have never travelled separately. Being an only child for nine years, I share a special bond with my parents and even on business trips we always travelled together; I have hardly been left alone. When I mentioned going to Winnipeg, my dad wouldn't hear of it. Again, I managed to convince him of the importance of this to my gymnastics career. He let me go, with great reluctance and this was my first plane trip without my family. Being in Winnipeg for the Gymnaestrada was therefore a big step for not only me but my parents as well. In all honesty, If it were not for a wedding my parents had to attend, my parents would have accompanied me to Winnipeg!
This being my first trip without my family did feel insecure at first, especially since I did not know who my roommates were going to be. As the oldest on my team I was entrusted added responsibility for the younger member especially since the youngest girl on the team was 12. While I was a little nervous at first, I saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate great leadership.
When we were allocated our rooms. at the hotel, another 17-year old girl and I were assigned a room with the two youngest girls. Two 17-year olds and two 12-year olds. I remember thinking, "How's is that going to work?" As a leader and a mentor I knew I could make it work even though we never really got along in training. As the leader of the group, I was sure that I was ready with my equipment and belongings but I also had to make sure that everyone else had their equipment and belongings. Needless to say, this proved to be a positive experience for all of us. In no time we had all become the best of friends. Even though the girls now looked up to me, we looked past the age barrier and had a lot of fun. At home,in the gym, during practices we are not allowed to talk to one another so this trip was the first time we all really got to know each other.
An important thing that I value greatly as being part of team is how much one learns from others. My current team which consists of ten girls is also unlike any other team I have been part of. When you think of a gymnastics group, you think same height, same build, similar skin colour. Getting to know one another we realised that we are a group of girls who come from 12 different backgrounds (African, Albanian, Armenian, Chinese, Estonian, Filipino, French, Lebanese, Italian, Indian, Russian and Swedish) and whose ages range from 13 to 17 but we are united by one passion and our differences are what makes us who we are. Together we are so diverse and yet so strong and although we have not known each other very long, we share a very strong bond. We have so much to learn from one another and we take the opportunity to do so outside the gym. While participating in a team sport and being away from home have taught me great lessons in life, the bond of friendships only strengthens over time. Although, I intend to keep in touch with my teammates while away at university, I know I will miss them dearly.
"I now declare the 2010 Canadian Gymnaestrada on", I heard the P resident of Gymnastics Canada announced to a full stadium in Winnipeg this past summer.
You also need a better transition from the second to the third paragraph and also a better transition from the fifth to the sixth paragraph.
While I was a little nervous at first, I saw this as an opportunity to demonstrate great leadership. (this seems kind of snobby to me. You don't have to say that you saw an opportunity to show great leadership, you let your actions/words do the talking.
You have great content over here and your first three paragraphs are really good, but after that the quality of writing goes downhill and were it for any other college it might have been acceptable but as you are applying to Harvard this has to be perfect. Just tighten up the last three paragraphs and I believe that your essay will be perfect.
And hey, if it doesn't bother you, would you mind criticing my Common App Essay. Thanks in advance!
