First draft, OVER WORD LIMIT
250 IS THE MAX AND ITS 332 :( HELP WITH EDITS TOO PLEASE!!
The best day of my life (so far) was... Please tell a story that allows us to experience your best day.
The flashing lights; the enthusiastic atmosphere; everything was perfect for the night that would turn out unimaginable. December 11th was the day that I got to see the world famous, teen heartthrob Justin Bieber with my very own eyes. The unexpected would occur, and a lot of tears would be shed, but in the end I would be left with a memory that would forever stain my mind for the rest of my life.
Everything seemed to be going wrong at first. The traffic caused much commotion, causing us to be almost late to the concert, and our seats were nowhere near close to the stage. I was beginning to believe that the best night of my life would be a disaster.
And then, that's when it happened. One of the managers had come up and asked if I would like to move up to floor seats to see him perform. I stared at him in disbelief as tears welled up in my eyes and exclaimed, "Yes, yes please!" As he guided me down the flight of stairs, I remember looking back and screaming with glee toward other "Beliebers" as they clapped with excitement for me.
The seats were so amazingly close, that I could make out even the color of his eyes. I had my Nikon camera in one hand and my other arm waving to the beat of the music, enjoying the once in a lifetime moment, when suddenly,*click*..my camera shuts off. My heart sunk for a moment, and then I realized I didn't need to start worrying over it; my idol of three years was performing right fifteen feet away from me and a camera should be the least of my worries. I continued waving both hands and jumping for joy throughout his performance, and at one point, I remember making clear eye contact with him.
Needless to say, this Canadian idol that makes girls cry made December 11th one of the most memorable nights of my life
Ending sucks, I know. Help me with it?
Do you not have any moments in your life that were better than a Justin Bieber concert? I really don't like the idea selection. Usually essays like this deal with special moments within your family or amazing accomplishments that you've had.
I think you should come up with a new idea that shows something great that happened to you or someone close to you and explain why it was very special. Come up with an idea that is a little bit deeper than your love of Justin Bieber.
In my opinion I think the college which gave you this prompt wants to get to know more about you, probably how some of your actions have to led to what sort of person your are, but from your response the only thing I was able to learn was that your idol is Justin Bieber...if either way you decide to still go with this essay you should probably write also about how some of the ways Bieber acts or whatever he does that makes you be his follower, after all what a college is really looking for is getting to know you.
While I consider myself anti-Bieber and think he's more of a "pre-teen heartthrob" myself, I think this essay will definitely stand out, and it is creatively written.
However, it doesn't really say anything about you. Why is Justin your idol? Is it his youth? His sensitivity? The way he continues to perform despite so much hate? How did you discover him, and how much of a fangirl did you become by the time you saw him? Why is going to a concert more special than an A on a test, or the day you met a friend, or a time you tried something new?
As creatively written as the essay might be, the only way it will stand out is in a negative way. If I were an admissions officer, I would honestly throw the essay in the trash immediately. It's not bad writing - it's just a bad topic.
The topic choice is simply too much of a risk.
Honestly, I liked your essay! I think it stands out uniquely and you wrote what YOU thought was YOUR best day ever. Although it is a risk, you're still being honest with the admissions officer...I think that's all that matters.
Good luck! I'm applying to VT too!