This is a very rough draft of my 2nd UC essay. The prompt is:
Tell about a personal quality, accomplishment, or experience that is important to you. What about this accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am a cancer survivor.
I was a sixth grader, it was the Thursday before spring break in 2006, and I was sitting in Dr. Idowu's office with my mother. We were at Children's Hospital in Oakland and my mom and I were waiting for the doctor to give us the results of the CT scan that had been done. I was sitting on an exam table when Dr. Idowu came in and told my mother and I that the mass on my abdomen could be malignant and cancerous. Over the next few days more tests were done and I was officially diagnosed with Stage Three Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare type of children's cancer. My cancer hadn't spread yet, but it had centralized in a softball sized tumor that was pressing on my liver. The doctor that had delivered this news to me then explained to my parents and I that the sarcoma could not be immediately removed because of its size. This is when I was told that with chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation I had a chance of being "cured." I looked out the window in my room, at my parents, and then at the doctor; and I told him that I was prepared to do anything to be "cured".
On April 20th I had my first chemotherapy treatment; it consisted of three drugs: Actinomycin, Cytoxan, and Vincristine. The next few weeks passed slowly and after eleven weeks of chemotherapy I was told that my tumor had shrunk enough to be removed. On the 18th of July I had my tumor removed by Dr. Idowu, the same doctor that I had met twelve weeks earlier. After my surgery I had four weeks of radiation, along with my final thirty weeks of chemotherapy. On February 8th, 2007 I received my last chemotherapy treatment. A few months later I had a group of scans that all showed positive results and just like that, a year after all of it began, I was "cured."
Cancer is the toughest challenge I have ever faced, but because of it, I am a stronger person. Going through forty-two chemotherapy treatments, multiple surgeries, and a month of radiation proved to me that I could do anything. For example, during my treatment I was faced with the choice of either dropping out of school for a year or continuing my education with a home teacher. I chose the latter and even though I had medical issues to deal with, I earned a 4.0 GPA and was on the Principle's Honor Roll. It was my determination and resiliency that helped me acomplish this.
I have continued to apply the skills I learned during treatment to everyday life, specifically at my high school. My determined attitude has helped me achieve Principle's Honor Roll each year since I was "cured." Had I not gone through what I did I am not sure I would have been able to accomplish everything that I have. Cancer and that year of hell showed me that I could do anything I set my mind to. My battle with cancer made me the person I am today, and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world.
While the first sentence is simple and basic, I think for your essay it works well to come out straight with the point. One thing that the readers will look for is showing, and not just telling. I would advise for you to go into a little more detail and really describe what going through all the treatment was like, because you want to pull on the heartstrings of the reader a bit. Also expanding a bit on how you are stronger and more determined by describing some examples of how will make this a stronger essay.
bump. Any help would be greatly appreciated
A few grammatical/ wording suggestions:
-I was a sixth grader (I was in sixth grade)
-Principle's (Principal's.. the two are spelled differently
-hell (Some people get offended by this- it's not an atrocity, but it could be a risk on the actual application.)
You put "cured" in quotation marks several times but never really explained why.. if you did it could become a very strong point in your essay. Also, when describing your battle with cancer, try and weaving in a few details about your mindset during the whole thing. Those might explain even more about your character when faced with such an immense boundary. Also, congratulations :)
Thanks for the advice and congrats. It means a lot to me.
Hey you have straight, amazing reply to prompt
I like it :)
You did great job overal
Again, a few minor corrections:
-Remove "that had been done" from the end of CT scan. It is unnecessary.
-Add a TOUCH more detail after "I can do this"
-Remove "For example". It has an overly formal tone that doesn't quite match the rest.
It's really wonderful. It made me tear up a little this time :) wonderful.
Thanks for all the help
