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"the Canzonetta Youth Orchestra" - UIUC Essay 2: my trip to france


iwantcollege 4 / 11  
Oct 28, 2010   #1
ok, so the essay has to be 300 words or less,and i have to elaborate on an extracurricular activity and why i chose it, why i continued with it, and why i benefited from it. please be blunt!!! constructive criticism is ALWAYS GOOD!!!!

When first presented with the opportunity to play as principal cellist on the Canzonetta Youth Orchestra French Exchange Trip, I was terrified. I had been section leader for the past year, but was I ready to represent my orchestra and country internationally? Equally disconcerting, was the fact that my French vocabulary consisted entirely of the words "oui", "croissant", and "fromages". Despite my fear, I full heartedly accepted the offer determined to prove myself to Mr. Kagan, and my peers. Little did I know that during that week I would learn far more than just how to be a better musician and section leader.

Upon our arrival in Toulouse, we were taken in a bus to the Conservatory, where we were welcomed by a brass quintet and the entire Conservatory. It was extraordinary how welcoming and excited they were to see us. Despite the happiness that overcame me, I could not help but feel isolated. I was-literally-at a loss of words. As much as I wanted to communicate with everyone, I had no clue how; I was now the minority, a feeling entirely foreign to me. How was I going to communicate with people that did not understand me?

I discovered the answer to this question during our first joined rehearsal with the Conservatory. As the conductor stood up to give the first queue, we all raised our bows, in unison, waiting patiently for the downbeat. When it came, the orchestra sounded as one living force, working in complete harmony.

I realized then, that although we may be from different parts of the world, and although we may not understand each other linguistically, we could communicate musically. This is the true beauty, and power of music. Music is the solvent that dissolves all language barriers. Unlike words, Music is not bound by geography, or culture; it can be understood and loved by all humanity.

This experience not only strengthened my love for music, but gave me the ability to empathize with immigrants all over the world. I am confident that these experiences will aid me in my pursuit and development as a musician, scholar, and individual.
karebearr 2 / 8  
Oct 28, 2010   #2
First of all, COMPLETELY JEALOUS of your experience!!!!
Second, I think it's a good essay for 300 words. I feel like you explained the prompt fully.

Despite my fear, I full heartedly (not sure but isn't there suppose to be a dash in between?) accepted the offer determined to prove myself to Mr. Kagan, and my peers.

Little did I know (COMMA) that during that week I would learn far more than just how to be a better musician and section leader.

^ I didn't check your word count, but if possible elaborate a bit more on what you learned?

I'm actually not TOO sure about my grammar mistakes, god knows how bad grammar is, but that's what I think. Check with an english teacher or someone else?

Good luck!!
OP iwantcollege 4 / 11  
Oct 28, 2010   #3
ya its like 57 words over the 300 limit.... i see what your sayin about elaborating...just gotta figure out what 2 cut out and shorten!! thanks so much!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 5, 2010   #4
Ah! This is perfect. I don't want to recommend any changes, because it has great energy that you might mess up if you start making changes. This is as good as an extra curricular activity can get, because it really expresses a meaningful idea that the reader can benefit from sharing.

If it is important to get it down to 300 words, I guess you will have to cut some of this Upon our arrival in Toulouse, we were taken in a bus to the Conservatory, where we were welcomed by a brass quintet and the entire Conservatory. It was extraordinary how welcoming and excited they were to see us.


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