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Capitalism, Jainism - UC prompt #1


shahindian2009 8 / 12  
Nov 25, 2008   #1
1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Capitalism. Supply and Demand. Lassiez-Faire.

From a young age, venturesome businesses of lemonade stands, babysitter clubs and reselling my used books have infatuated me with the principles of business. I first learned of these influential business-related topics while being Vice President of Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) club. This business club has built the foundation to form partnerships with the local business community, offering students a cosmopolitan perspective of our capitalistic society.

"Thank you for your kind help! Without you, my mother may have died..."

These were the inspiring words said by a girl to me whose low-income mother had been diagnosed through a free mammogram test during my organized medical camp.

Born to two professional immigrant parents in the middle class, I have been given worldwide exposure to many cultures through traveling and have greatly utilized my opportunities to strive for a varied education. While growing up, I have always been motivated to take on the most challenging school courses such as the IB (International Baccalaureate) program, Varsity tennis, and captain of the Mock Trial team to expand my observations and interpretations of the diverse point of views of those around me. Thus using my knowledge, experience and confidence gained from my activities, I have enhanced my goals of understanding the professions of business and medicine.

The principles of business are how new ideas are marketed, different vistas understood, and enterprises that are built from rock bottom to the top. As an active leader in propelling my high school FBLA forward, I have created partnerships promoting marketing advertisements and efficient workshops to allow FBLA ideas to be marketed in the local community. Through my experiences in FBLA I have understood how our society is commanded by a simple idea of supply and demand, and the techniques necessary to effectively execute my business skills, such as communication and networking, to get my ideas comprehended by our metropolitan society. For example, I have recently created a partnership with the local Toyota dealership by drawing and executing a proposal benefiting both the dealership with more foot traffic, and educating first time high school car buyers the important things to analyze before buying a car. This experience was mind-blowing as I was able to interact with my peers and high officials of a multi-billion dollar transportation corporation.

Through my business knowledge and interest in educational professions, I have been propelled to pursue medicine, where I can utilize my business skills to effectively assist and educate others in their personal hardships.

My religion, Jainism, elaborates on one word - "Ahimsa." Ahimsa is the idea of how non-violence should be used to promote compassion towards all living creatures.

This understanding of helping others, has motivated me to participate in Red Cross blood drives, volunteer at settlement houses, and the local hospital. I have become extremely active in the youth council at my temple and have helped organize and sponsor numerous region-wide free medical camps for low-income families. By using my business networking social skills, I have helped to personally educate individuals by increasing their knowledge on their health by discussing the proper diets, necessary exercises, and overall understandning that their health is a key factor for a better livliehood. Incidencts such as the girl whose mothers cancer was reversible due to early treatment, is a constant encouragement that one day I will be able to change numerous peoples' lives for the better through my broad educational background.

My ultimate goal in life is to attain a diverse education in the fields of medicine, and business. I hope to constantly learn new ideas, innovations and perspectives on my path of becoming a doctor. But more than anything, I want to educate a world that is constantly struggling to ensure future generations can look back at the past, and be proud of their forefathers. I have first-handedly experienced how the skills that I have learned from using business, and my religion has impacted my motivation to help others and provide education for better health in our society. Thus, I hope to intertwine both medicine and business by becoming CEO of a large non-profit health organization chartered to help people from all walks of life through compassion. Thus, in order to make my goals of becoming an active leader in the medical field a reality, my future starts at a prestigious university.

Words are at 724. Need to be cut down to 500 or so.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 25, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

Some mechanical corrections:

"...venturesome businesses of lemonade stands, babysitter clubs, and..."

In regards to trimming it down, I suggest removing this section:

"The principles of business are how new ideas are marketed, different vistas understood, and enterprises that are built from rock bottom to the top. As an active leader in propelling my high school FBLA forward, I have created partnerships promoting marketing advertisements and efficient workshops to allow FBLA ideas to be marketed in the local community. Through my experiences in FBLA I have understood how our society is commanded by a simple idea of supply and demand, and the techniques necessary to effectively execute my business skills, such as communication and networking, to get my ideas comprehended by our metropolitan society. For example, I have recently created a partnership with the local Toyota dealership by drawing and executing a proposal benefiting both the dealership with more foot traffic, and educating first time high school car buyers the important things to analyze before buying a car. This experience was mind-blowing as I was able to interact with my peers and high officials of a multi-billion dollar transportation corporation."

As it doesn't really pertain to the rest of the piece. That will remove about 165 words. To further trim, I suggest you go back through your piece and look for other sentences that don't really move your essay along. If they don't explain or support your main topic, remove them, condense them, or rewrite them.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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