Topic: There may be personal information that you want considered as a part of your application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or personal responsibilities that have shaped or impacted your abilities, academic credentials, or educational goals.
Reason for posting: Not sure how well this fits into my topic, but it's the best I could think of. Be compltetely honest when responding to my essay (application essay for college). I take all criticizim and build on it, so don't be shy to speak your true feelings.
Essay:
May 25th, 1995 was the day that my life began. I fortunately and unfortunately have been the second son to my parents, and I "arrived" only a year after my brother did. I realized right from wrong, from actions that he had taken, and have built upon them, striving to be a well-rounded. I uphold a high standard for myself to achieve success in every aspect of my life, and try to avoid mistakes that my brother made.
The first mistake that I noticed was laziness. I learned, from a very young age, that being lazy is a bad habit to obtain. Laziness leads to procrastination which, to some extent, leads to failure. Failure was not something that I wanted in my life because it shows people that you aren't a "go-getter." I developed into a person that gets things done early and efficiently so that my work is not late or messy. When I finish things early, it allows me to look over my work up until the turn-in date, and perfect my work in the meantime. Also, it relieves me of trying to cram at the last possible moment. Figuring out how to overcome this obstacle that my brother unintentionally showed me, helped me experience what it's like to be successful.
The second thing I built upon was disorganization. Time and time again, I would see his desk, and notice all of the clutter and messiness that he conjured up. At first glance, you might think a hurricane hit his room and he lived in the destruction. I didn't want to live that way, I wanted to keep everything in an organized manner and look like I care about the environment that I live in. With everything in an organized manner, I feel better about who I am, and the impression other people get from me. Learning and correcting this mistake that my brother made, has continued to decrease stress in my life, and also increase my confidence in myself.
Last, but not least, I corrected how I cared for things. What I mean, is that I have fostered a care for everything that presents itself to me. This ranges from the condition of my hair, to the grades I get in school. Every part of my life I show intense care and devotion. When I show care for my hair, I'm showing the world that I care about what other people think of me. This helps me develop a sense of understanding on what's right and what's wrong, or what's acceptable and what's not acceptable. Same with grades, I keep them very high to set forth an image that makes people think "This guy puts all his effort into presenting a person that I admire." This is a major topic that I pride myself on every day. Improving the caring aspect that my brother did not, has pushed me to become a better person every day.
Being second might be undesirable at first glance, is actually unintentionally desirable in the long run. I have learned many traits that my brother didn't learn until he was out on his own. I don't enjoy that my brother had so many hard times, I just capitalized on his mistakes so I didn't end up like him. So far, my blue print to success has developed into my life story, and I still have space to continue to improve.
Hi, some feedback.
" I realized right from wrong, from actions that he had taken" - change from actions that he had taken to from his actions.
I think you mean "striving to be a well-rounded person." You forgot person.
"I learned, from a very young age, that being lazy is a bad habit to obtain. Laziness leads to procrastination which, to some extent, leads to failure. Failure was not something that I wanted in my life because it shows people that you aren't a "go-getter." I think admissions knows that laziness is bad and can cause procrastination. Also, you should mention how failure is unavoidable, and that it is the stimulus for success.
"Being second might be undesirable at first glance, but it is beneficial in the long run." Unintentionally desirable seems a bit vague - you desire something, but you don't mean to do so? I think what you mean is that being second is helpful, but you just didn't realized it until some point.
Overall nice job.
