Hey everyone,
This is my first post here, but this seems like a great website full of helpful people. I've written an essay for the common application.
Feedback about content would be great--does it feel too formal/informal/lecturey/not reflective enough? I worry that there's too much of a persuasive argument, which might detract from the reflective aspect.
Also, I don't like the beginning. Any ideas?
Let me know if you've got an essay that needs help--I handle grammar pretty well.
Thanks for the help!
"Why do you care so much about American Indians?" my friend asked me a couple years ago. "I dunno," I replied, and shrugged. I suppose it might have seemed strange, since I had never even met an American Indian personally. But I did care, and it all started in my 10th grade history class. In this class I learned about the truth of Columbus' "discovery" of America-the enslavement and forced labor of Arawak Indians and the introduction of diseases that wiped out millions of natives. Several historians argue that his actions constitute nothing less than genocide. Unfortunately, the exploitation and abuse of Indians did not end here. It continued throughout the history of the United States: the removal of tribes, the policy of forced assimilation and boarding schools, the denial of tribal sovereignty, and the insufficient compensation for centuries of damage.
What's worst, perhaps, is that most of this history remains unknown. Textbooks rarely acknowledge these crimes, and they tend to romanticize the past. As a result, Indians are largely misunderstood. They are misrepresented in the media, which causes false stereotypes and racism. Some live in conditions equal to those in third world countries. Our government still takes advantage of tribes; for example, toxic waste is illegally dumped on several reservations, and some tribal leaders are bribed to host waste at their reservation.
So I ask, "How can we not care about American Indians?"
Two years ago, I wrote a 15-page research paper on this topic, and last year, I based my Oral History Project on Dr. Gabrielle Tayac of the Piscataway Indian Nation. This past summer, I traveled to Arizona with a group of Jewish students for a two-week community service project to work on a Hopi reservation and learned about Hopi culture. The reservation was founded by "hostiles", Hopi Indians who wanted to maintain their culture in the face of European influences. Today, the tribe is trying to balance practicality with their cultural identity. Almost half of those on the reservation live under the poverty line, and leaders are trying to both increase the quality of life and continue their traditional practices. We restored several houses and their well, and helped the tribe prepare for a religious celebration called the Home Dance.
Throughout the trip, we compared the values and experiences of Indians with Jews-there are various similarities. For example, most Jews and Indians find a deep spiritual connection with the world and feel responsible to protect it. Both Jews and Indians are also active supporters of human rights; this is a result from the comparable experiences of the Holocaust and mistreatment by Europeans and Americans. As well, both believe that the study of history is crucial so that injustice, like that of their pasts, is never repeated. This trip was so powerful because it reaffirmed my Jewish identity, and it explained why I care so much about Indian history and culture.
So yes, I do care about American Indians, and our entire country should too.
For future reference, ALWAYS include the essay prompt in your post. I don't know what the prompt is, so I can't really comment accurately about your essay.
That aside, it does feel more like a persuasive essay, something that I would write for an AP World History essay. This essay doesn't really show much about yourself, which is what the essays are all about. (Although it would help to know what the prompt is).
I agree with jfk. Since I don't know what the prompt is, I can't say anything for your essay :S
I wrote my common apps essay too (on the first prompt), so I'm guessing your prompt was "Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you."
If it was, I would say this essay is more like a research paper.. you used most of the essay talking about the things you've researched for your project, not about its importance to you. I see you kind of explained why it's important in the last two sentences, but that's not enough. I think you should talk about yourself more.
I was going to choose the final prompt choice, which was "topic of your choice." Originally, I was intending for "Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you." but just preferred to have the open-endedness of the final choice.
I'll cut down the first two paragraphs so I talk less about the issue and have more room to talk about me. Do you think I should also cut down the explaination of what I've done in the second to last paragraph?
Thanks
What's worst, perhaps, is that most of this history remains unknown.
This is an interesting way to write a sentence. But I think the reader will wonder what you mean.. and possibly the reader will think you made an error. Just change worst to worse. That'll fix it.
I thin it is better to write 'responsible for' instead of 'responsible to'
cut away the unnecessary details...
Two years ago, I wrote a
15-page research paper on this topic, and last year, I based my Oral History Project on Dr. Gabrielle Tayac of the Piscataway Indian Nation. This past summer, I traveled to ...
You did a great job with this! Welcome to essayforum. I hope you check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/.
To improve this essay, establish focus during revision: Do you focus on contemporary native american cultural problems, or do you focus philosophically on the idea of protecting one another?
:-)
