Hey guys. I'm applying for the Summer Bridge Program at FSU and I need feedback on my essay. The topic is for me to explain my interest in the program. I didn't know how long it has to be but so far it has 312 words.
All feedback, negative and positive, are wanted :)
Whenever I think of my parents, I think of the word opportunity and, because of them, whenever I think of college, I think of opportunity. The opportunity they gave me. Growing up I have always been an independent and very determined child. I strived for excellence no matter the cost and never gave up on anything no matter the obstacle. I was born in Kingston, Jamaica the heart of the island and lived in a very violent and poor neighborhood as a child. My parents were two local Jamaicans that only succeeded pass high school because they're house hold did not have enough money to support them in college. They had to work hard for their money with low income jobs on an island where finding a good job was very hard while raising three kids, but not once did they ever complain about the difficulty of their lives because they were trying their hardest to give us, their kids, the chance to accomplish much more than what they accomplished in life. When my parents filed for us all to move to the United States, the land of opportunity, I knew that I must show them what all of their hard work has amounted to.
FSU has always been my first choice throughout high school, but financially, it seemed like an impossible dream, but that was not going to stop me. That's why when I was informed about the Summer Bridge Program at FSU, a program that offers aid to first-generation students like me who faces economic and financial challenges; I knew that this was Mr. Opportunity knocking on my door. By becoming a student at one of the top ranked universities in the nation would be a tremendous honor and I am certain that this program will be the gateway towards the opportunity my parents have always wanted me to have.
hi
the third sentence "Growing up I..."
u can start with I , so u do not need growing up...because i do not think it is right.
Tip 2: always avoid long sentences.
thank u
Oh. I get what your saying, Rasha. Thanks
Keep the critiques coming guys I need to send this off in less than 5 days. Please!
Whenever I think of my parents, I think of the word "opportunity" and, because of them, whenever I think of college I think of opportunity. --- I took out some commas.
The opportunity they gave me.--- this is confusing. It should be like this: With their influence, they gave me an opportunity.
They had to work hard for their money with low income jobs on an island where finding a good job was very hard while raising three kids, but not once did they ever complain about the difficulty of their lives because they were trying their hardest to give us, their kids, the chance to accomplish much more than what they accomplished in life. --- nice sentence!! I just took out one part... "their kids"... the reader knows what you mean without it.
Keep the verb tense consistent:
When my parents filed for us all to move to the United States, the land of opportunity, I knew that I must needed to show them what all of their hard work has amounted to.
Very good!! I'm inspired by you and your family.
