The CARE program is for first-generation college students from financially disadvantaged backgrounds who have demonstrated a strong desire to succeed. Applicants only are required a 2.5 GPA and SAT score of 1330 or an ACT composite score of 19. We are required to write a second essay stating why you would like to participate in the program.
There are so many reasons why I would like to be a part of the CARE program, that it is almost overwhelming. Both my parents moved here to the United States from Brazil, neither of my parents have college degrees; luckily they had family connections that helped them get hold of great jobs. For almost a year my father has been out of a job though. Of course a major reason being, almost a "needy" type feeling, is I want to be the first in my family to attend college, a major university at that. I want to be able to get a great job and keep that job. Another sole reason I want to be apart of CARE, is that CARE will help me attain my goals.
The transition from middle school to high school was already harsh thus I can only imagine how the transition from high school to college will be like. The CARE program will provide me with guidance. The program provides us with campus survival skills, academic support services, and counseling that will make the transition much, much easier and I plan to take full advantage every opportunity that is given to me by this program.
Last, but not least, is how it will help me get into college. I haven't always done my best in school. I am working hard and busting my butt to make up grades and wasted time so I can have the chance to get into college. I never knew how to get into college, really; I never had anyone actually tell me. I always thought that I could breeze by and get into an excellent college and that's it. Half way through my junior year I came to the harsh realization that this isn't how things are, I found out what the real requirements were to get into a good institution, and my world almost came to a complete stop. No one was ever there to actually tell me that I needed honors or AP classes, A's and B's in every class. I never thought I'd want something as bad as I want acceptance into this University. The CARE program will not only hopefully get me into the college, but hopefully give me the chance to prove most importantly to my parents and to Florida State University that I am worthy for acceptance into their institution.
Help please, Thank you so much
and my world almost came to a complete stop
This is just a bit melodramatic. If you hadn't worried about it up until then, why would your world stop? I think you can leave this bit off. The sentence reads better without it.
Overall, this is a good essay. Just be careful of your commas and phrasing.
The start of that last paragraph is not very god... last but not least is a cliche, and busting one's butt is not a good expression to use in formal writing. :)
I suggest scrapping the whole second paragraph. However, paragraph one is very good; it wins the reader's heart, I think!
