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'Career in finance and motivational speaking' - Rutgers Transfer Essay Critique


binkim 1 / -  
Oct 24, 2012   #1
Hi everyone,

I am currently in an AAS program in Banking and Finance and am looking to transfer into Rutgers New Brunswick for a bachelor's in finance or accounting as well as CFP. Any help would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

The following is the beginning of the essay i'm writing for my application:

As a student who believes strongly in intrinsic motivators, I feel that my desire for self-actualization can and will be achieved through proper education in a unique and diverse environment. I've had the fortune of having experienced many forms of leadership, good and bad, all the while learning how to associate myself with many different people through working in retail sales for almost 8 years. With some management experience, I've learned that I found much joy in not only the responsibilities of my position, but also from being able to teach my employees about motivation and personal growth strategies. From this experience, I learned what I want to achieve and I feel that Rutgers has what I am seeking in my career path to leadership.

I plan to pursue not just a career in finance, but a career in motivational speaking as well as business to business consulting in employee motivational strategies. I believe that the success of any business, and any nation, depends greatly upon the success of its people. With the right motivation, employees will not only be better workers, but even better members of society. According to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, safety and security are needed in order to successfully reach other stages of self-actualization; however those are difficult to obtain due to the nature of our corporate cultures. I believe that through working with individuals, as individuals, I can help no only create financial plans, but success plans in order to truly bring out the full potential of such individuals.

Currently, I am studying for an associate's degree in banking and finance as a first step towards my goal of not only giving financial advice, but also leading people towards a positive future through motivational strategies in the workplace. Thus, I come seeking a bachelor's degree in finance in order to integrate financial tactics into normal business practice. I see Rutgers as the next step in my career due to the prestigious reputation. Reputation is everything in motivational speaking and I feel that not only will I benefit from the education, but I believe that the school will benefit from supporting and such world changing ideals.
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Nov 14, 2012   #2
I plan to pursue not just a career in finance, but a career in motivational speaking as well as business to business consulting, in employee motivational strategies.

I believe that through working with individuals, as individuals, I can help to not only create financial plans, but successful plans in order to truly bring out the full potential of such individuals.

Currently, I am studying for an associate's degree in banking and finance, as a first step towards my goal of not only giving financial advice, but also leading people towards a positive future through motivational strategies in the workplace.

:)


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