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my career in the medical field - Common Application Essay


zain12qa 4 / 11  
Dec 24, 2009   #1
Topic of your choice.

Please write an essay (250 words minimum) on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below. This personal essay helps us to become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself.

There it stood front and center, poking out, causing so many stares. For ten years of my life there were so many awkward moments. Every encounter involved a gaze, a question, and the emergence of my story. When I was two, my sister had accidentally dropped me from a long flight of marble stairs. Fortunately, no permanent damage had been done, as far as I know, except for a broken front tooth. As I grew older, I often played with my gums, causing the tooth to become crooked and pointing straight out.

Since the crooked tooth became an excellent ice breaker for conversations, I did not really mind having one. It was useful when my family later moved from Pakistan to Canada in 1999. I had noticed many people I met staring at my tooth. So I found it necessary to tell them the story behind it, and this ended up being the way I met many new friends. One year later we moved to Dubai. During the first days of my new school, I was very reserved; until someone asked me about my tooth. As I told the story more often, it became more vivid in my mind and I got better at telling the tale. Moreover, I was not shy in English class when I performed as Macbeth, or during my first job interview at Best Buy, or even when I sang "Get Busy" in a shopping mall to win Baskin Robbins ice-cream. In a year of living in Dubai I made many close friends. Though we were comfortable in Dubai, we decided to move back to Canada. I was excited to go back again, it seemed like one big adventure to me. Having moved to many different schools, I have become accustomed to meeting new people and introducing myself. My tooth has liberated me from my initial timidity.

In high school my communication skills have made me an extraordinary presenter as well as an excellent debater. The abnormality of the tooth has subconsciously given me confidence throughout my life, and now I am not afraid to stand behind my beliefs as a result of past experiences. Being exposed to different people and having lived in different areas has allowed me to become very adaptable and very at ease with people. I have enjoyed joining the Heart and Stroke Foundation and also functioned as the publicity person, coordinating all the details for special events. For this club, I helped raise money through various sports tournaments including basketball, volleyball, and badminton. I ensured that there was ample participation and that rules were followed during the tournaments. We raised approximately $2,500 dollars for cancer research from a Hoops-for-Heart basketball tournament. This was one of the most successful events I helped orchestrate.

A year ago we moved again, this time to New Jersey. I knew nothing about this area. It was just me, and this new place, and that crazy tooth story to tell those new people who would be staring at me. Recently I got braces, and do not need my tooth to speak for me anymore. I plan on using my new found confidence in an effort to further help me accomplish my goals, whether it is my career in the medical field or finding new ways to help people in need.

Any comments are welcome!
Wanderer_x 5 / 88  
Dec 24, 2009   #2
I wish I had a tooth like yours to write about :)

But then, I still dont get one thing. At two, you had your baby tooth broken. And how come your tooth becomes crooked since you baby tooth is supposed to be replaced?

Ignoring that point( though it shouldn't be ignored at all!), your essay is really interesting.
OP zain12qa 4 / 11  
Dec 24, 2009   #3
The tooth did not become replaced until I was seven, by then I had played with my gums so often that it came out crooked. And thank you!
aikd80cn 4 / 18  
Dec 24, 2009   #4
This is almost a prefect essay

There it was front and center, poking out, causing so many stares

How about: "there it stood front and center,..." its just a suggestion, sounds right either way

For ten years of my life there were so many awkward moments

this sentences is a bit weak, although ur essay is pretty strong. since u said ur a good presenter, try come up with something catchy.

Fortunately, no permanent damage had been done, as far as I know, except for a broken front tooth. As I grew older, I often played with my gums, causing the tooth to become crooked and pointing straight out.

u can just drop these lines down to the next paragraph, that would make ur introduction very confusing, therefore it would suck the reader in.

It helped me

a tooth cant really help you :P , try : "it was indeed useful"

I had noticed many people I met staring at my tooth

i think this is a bit grammatically wrong, try: "i had noticed many people i met stare at my tooth"

One year later I moved to Dubai

i think its supposed to be : "we moved to dubai" , since u mention 'we' when u are leaving dubai as well , u have repeated this a couple of times, revise them

and

u dont need the 'and' here

good luck!
Wanderer_x 5 / 88  
Dec 24, 2009   #5
Well, you ought to mention that thing. Else how are we supposed to know which "the tooth" you are talking about?
Maybe mention something like "I played with my broken tooth so often that it was later replaced by a crooked tooth, like that of a vampire( to add a little humor) ."

I had noticed many people I met staring at my tooth, so I found it necessary to tell them the story behind it, and this ended up being the way I met many new friends.

Long and clumsy. My suggestion: "People often stared at my tooth. So, I could not stop myself from telling them the story behind it; and this ended up being the way I made many new friends."

During the first days of school, I was very reserved; until someone asked me about my tooth. As I told the story more often, it became more vivid in my mind and I got better at telling the tale

During the initial days of my new(I suppose) school, I remained reserved, until someone asked me....As I ....mind and I got better at narrating the little tale of my own.

Having moved to so many different schools I have become accustomed to meeting new people and introducing myself. My tooth has liberated my initial timidity

so many different!!!...make it just " having switched to many schools".Comma after schools...liberated me from my intial timidity.

Many comma splices throughout.
In school comma my communication...

and now I am not afraid to stand behind my beliefs as a result of past experiences

rephrase it.

Being exposed to many different people and having lived in many different areas has allowed me to become very adaptable and very at ease with people.

again many different!....that too twice in the same line!!..avoid it. very adaptive and very at ease...You quite frequently abuse "many" and very".

I have enjoyed joining the Heart and Stroke Foundation and also functioned as the publicity person, coordinating all the details for special events. For this club, I helped raise money through various sports tournaments including basketball, volleyball, and badminton. I ensured that there was ample participation and that rules were followed during the tournaments. We raised approximately $2,500 dollars for cancer research from a Hoops-for-Heart basketball tournament. This was one of the most successful events I helped orchestrate.

This does not flow with the rest of your essay. Stress on how your communication skills helped you in the club.

I enjoyed your essay :)

HElp me with mine
OP zain12qa 4 / 11  
Dec 24, 2009   #6
REVISED! All comments are welcome!
aikd80cn 4 / 18  
Dec 25, 2009   #7
this looks much better ;) maybe in return you could give some comments about the structure and content of this essay
OP zain12qa 4 / 11  
Dec 25, 2009   #8
aikd80cn
Thank you!


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