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Career in medicine; Duke Pratt School of Engineering Sup


sillybandz 6 / 20  
Dec 28, 2012   #1
Please critique this essay. Thank You

As a little girl, I promised myself that I would not take the same route that my father had. When I grew up, I would become an astronaut, a lawyer, or a teacher - just not an engineer. As time passed, I became intrigued with the idea of pursuing a career in medicine. Admiring my mother's care and patience as a therapist, I grew fond of the hospital experiences she shared with me. Even though I was set on going to medical school, I did not know how I would get there. Majoring in biology sounded enticing, but the subject just didn't provide enough excitement.

Then, one day, my physics teacher urged me to consider a program that encourages women to pursue a career in orthopedic surgery and biomedical engineering. I signed up for the Perry Outreach Program and was fortunate to be selected from a large pool of applicants. The day I arrived at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, I began my work in a laboratory. For my first task, I was given only a frame, some pins, and a broken tibia with which I was to construct an external fixator that would hold the fractured tibia and reduce movement. Initially, I was less than inspired by the task merely because it focused mainly on engineering. However, as I progressed, my eyes were opened: biomedical engineering did not simply involve interactions with machines and robots, it required interactions with the human body. I was instantly engrossed in the work, taken by the mixture of problem-solving and medical sciences.

My experiences in the program stuck with me, prompting my further pursuit of the subject. As I searched for the ideal college that could enlighten me on this topic of interest, I came across the Pratt School of Engineering. When I made the trip down South, I uncovered convincing details about Durham, North Carolina, and Duke itself. Situated in the research triangle, Duke is capable of providing me with innumerable research opportunities, as well as, internships. Along with the various opportunities, the advanced technology at Duke University, such as the Duke immersive Virtual Environment, provides a more intellectually stimulating environment.

Now, instead of seeing my father's work as bland and ordinary, I am thankful for his influence, especially through the honing of my analytical skills. I hope to sharpen my abilities at the Pratt School of Engineering and ultimately apply them in the medical field.
aqualad 5 / 12 3  
Dec 28, 2012   #2
When I grew up, I would become an astronaut, a lawyer, or a teacher - just not an engineer.

If you have some more room, you might want to consider adding one or two extra professions there. Since your entire essay is centered on growing to appreciate engineering, a few extra professions would highlight your change.

Something like: I would become a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a race car driver, anything- just not an engineer.

Also, if you switch astronaut with something starting with a consonant, it flows more smoothly and highlights the difference between being AN engineer and being a teacher, doctor, etc.

Even though I was set on going to medical school,

Maybe change it to something like "By the time I was 12, I was set...

research opportunities, as well as, internships

You don't need the commas.
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
"I was instantly engrossed in the work, taken by the mixture of problem-solving and medical sciences."

I think change it to "Suddenly, I was engrossed in the work..."

"Situated in the research triangle, Duke is capable of providing me with innumerable research opportunities, as well as, internships." No need for comas and perhaps give some examples of internships? It feels a bit like you tagged it on.

I hope I helped!


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