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"a career path in psychiatry" - UPenn -What do i plan on exploring at Penn?


anchanado 2 / 6  
Dec 19, 2010   #1
I feel like it doesn't have enough focus and i don't know how to focus it.thank you in advance everyone!

Here is the prompt:

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

As I strongly consider a career path in psychiatry, I believe that declaring psychology as my major would lay a strong foundation for my future career. My career goal is to become a psychiatrist with a focus on schizophrenia and autism. The University of Pennsylvania College of Arts and Sciences has a supportive student body. Contrary to the cutthroat competition that can be found at other prestigious universities, UPenn nurtures a student body that truly cares for and supports one another. When taking a complex course like psychology, this aspect of Penn is very beneficial as I can look to other students for help. At the University of Pennsylvania, it is the norm for students to be academically strong while still participating in numerous extracurricular activities. The University of Pennsylvania is a place where scientists by day become rockstars at night. This Hannah Montana-esque double life really captivates me. I can imagine myself, a psychology major studying for class and engaging in heated conversations with my contemporaries at bookstores throughout the day while also practicing my Bharathanatyam dancing for the PenNaatak Theater performance at night.

In my mind, research is just as pertinent to an academic subject as the course itself. By conducting research the Penn Brain Behavior Center and the Center of Autism Research, I can further my career interest in those areas. While majoring in psychology, if the opportunity exists, I would like to attend various seminars on schizophrenia or autism at the Penn Department of Psychiatry.

UPenn is definitely a perfect fit for me. Where else can I find Atma, a South Asian all female acapella group that sings my favorite Hindi song, Bole Chudiyan? The answer is only at Penn. As the co-president of my school's Asian Appreciation club and an executive of the diversity club, I have a strong interest in understanding, appreciating, and incorporating other cultural values in my life. Through UPenn's study abroad program I will be able to accomplish that goal while still learning about my area of academic interest in another nation. As an only child, I have always wanted a younger sibling. Penn caters to my needs with the Penn Pals program, where I can "adopt" a younger sibling from the neighboring Drew Elementary School. I have always been great at giving advice to my friends in their hour of crisis; at Penn I can reach out to other students and offer them my best advice through the Reach a Peer Program. I can imagine myself attending the Spring Fling concert with my friends and enjoying the talents of my favorite big-name musical artists like Ok Go and Kid Cudi. Penn is definitely where I want to be, and it is where my heart is.
MirayPhilips 5 / 37  
Dec 19, 2010   #2
The writing is fine. However, the last paragraph seems a little bit too jumbled and the ideas can be a lot more organized.
And I think its neater to use the full name of the university rather than UPenn.

Goodluck!
OP anchanado 2 / 6  
Dec 20, 2010   #3
thanks for your input! i'll definitely make those corrections.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
Contrary to the cutthroat competition that can be found at other prestigious universities, UPenn nurtures a student body that truly cares for and supports one another.

What evidence can you provide to support this assertion? Is it just because that is what representatives of the school say? What is an example of a policy difference that somehow creates this noncompetitive environment?

Here is a sentence that I think you should take out:
In my mind, research is just as pertinent to an academic subject as the course itself. It does not really express an original idea... it is a little too obvious.

Google this: paragraph topic sentence
Each para should begin with a topic sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraph.

:-)
OP anchanado 2 / 6  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
thank you so much for your suggestions! i'll make those corrections asap!


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