Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did that interest develop? (250 words)
I first learned about Carleton College when I went to a summer math program and met with a professor who taught math and a recorder at Carleton. This combination attracted my attention because, in middle school, I learned to play a recorder on my own and was interested in recorder music. My main academic interest at that time was math. I visited the Carleton's website and was impressed by its math department. When, later, I advanced in programming, I found the Carleton's Computer Science department to be a strong place. Recently, I developed a passion for languages and an interest in a language acquisition, and, hard to believe, Carleton's got programs in Linguistics, and Cognitive Science.
Apart from finding all academics I need, I am excited about Carleton's rock climbing on-campus facilities. I've discovered rock climbing this past summer at a newly built bouldering center in a neighboring city and strive to advance in this activity at college.
I admire Carleton's sustainability actions, from wind turbines to the bouldering wall facility's flooring tiled with recycled car tires. I as well speak up for sustainability at home: I organize collection of batteries for recycling at my school and neighborhood, and do and promote separating trash for recycling even though a closest recycling center from me is in the neighboring city.
A lot of things I need and care about are here, at Carleton, and I am starved for them.
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Thank you for your comments in advance.
Right now, you just state what you like that Carleton offers. They already know what they offer, they also want to know how that will help you in the future. Why are those things important to you? I think you should first with your encounter with the recorder professor then expand on your interests and how Carleton offers them then expand on how that is important
Natasha, the first paragraph is quite strong. You should however, further develop the last few sentences relating to your interest in math and computer science. Right now, those sentences sound a bit too rushed and has an indication of uncertainty on your part. Try to make your belief sound more confident. Make it sound like your interest in math and its progression into computer science is something that is so natural, you don't even think about its relation anymore.
As for the second paragraph, you deviated from the relevance of Prof. Doe a bit. His presence as an influence in your decision to become a Carl should always be consistent. Here is an example of how you can strengthen the paragraph:
I had an inclination to play the flute while I was a student in Middle School. Since my mother preferred that I take up Guitar lessons instead, I ended up secretly starting Recorder studies on my own, with the hopes of progressing to the Flute later on. It was through the secret lessons that I realized what a wonderful instrument it was. My exposure to Recorder lessons at the camp with Prof. Doe further enhanced my interest in the instrument and learning from him that I can actually study my two passions, Math and Recorder at Carlton pushed my decision to attend Carlton even further.
As a Carl, I hope to to take up my two passions, Math - in relation to Computer Science, and music, by learning more advanced Recorder techniques. It isn't a far cry in relating the two. After all, music contains math and logic, without which the beautiful sounds that we hear will fail to exist.
Please keep in mind that the terms Recorder and Math should always be capitalized since there are proper nouns. Computer Science should always be used as a complete term instead of an abbreviation because this is an academic paper that you are writing. Using abbreviations disrespects the reviewer.
