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Carnegie Mellon Supplement - particular major(s), department(s) or program(s)

WizFan2 5 / 20 1  
Dec 26, 2013   #1
Prompt: Please submit a one page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program to which you are applying.

Any help is appreciated, thanks in advance!

Although the aesthetic beauties of Carnegie Mellon first caught my eye, it was the wealth of research opportunities and esteemed undergraduate programs that fueled my desire to one day become a Tartan. A selling point was the small class sizes, increasing my chances to interact with professors and to take full advantage of opportunities provided to succeed.

Economics and finance are my academic interests. My ultimate goal is to break into the finance industry, and I feel that studying at Carnegie Mellon provides me with the tools and the best chance of doing so. The business world is fast-paced and unpredictable. While this is a burden and a drawback to some, this environment is what I work best in. Whether it may be making a play in crunch time for volleyball, or scrambling to integrate a function for calculus, high pressure situations drive me to new heights. My interest in the stock market was sparked in fifth grade when the entire class was entered into a stock market competition. Although I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, the idea of making money based off of numbers going up and down on a computer screen intrigued my ten year old mind. Seven years, countless books read by famous investors, and numerous stock market simulation games later, I have had success making virtual money, but offered an opportunity to be part of CMU, I visualize myself being mentored by one the many successful alumni, turning virtual profit into real profit. My plan to further explore my interests is centered around taking full advantage of the opportunities afforded to me by being located near major corporations and banks, such as PNC, by means of summer internships.

Dietrich is a perfect match for those interests because it offers me an economics degree jointly offered by the Tepper School of Business and the College of Humanities and Social Sciences. This is truly a unique opportunity, as most schools only open up their respective business schools to exclusive students. Thus, I feel that Carnegie Mellon would provide me access to a more extensive database of resources. This will greatly enhance my education there. Moreover, the interdisciplinary nature of the economics program at Carnegie Mellon appeals to me because it will not restrict the development of my other interests, instead allowing me to integrate them to enhance my overall education. With a strong foundation in the liberal arts and the freedom of the creative Dietrich College as well as the excellent research resources and innovation of the Tepper School of Business, I will receive a world-class education.

After finding success at Carnegie Mellon, it would be an honor to become part of that alumni force. Before pounding the pavement on Wall Street, I want to leave my footprints on the campus of Carnegie Mellon.
akshay1996 5 / 11  
Dec 27, 2013   #2
Really good essay!

Maybe change some cliched lines like "Economics and finance are academic my interests". Weave them into the essay more naturally.

Other than that it looks pretty good, and your ending absolutely fantastic.
OP WizFan2 5 / 20 1  
Dec 27, 2013   #3
Thanks for the input!
Kristoria 3 / 51 1  
Dec 27, 2013   #4
I really enjoyed this essay. However, there was a little error at the end of the 2nd paragraph where you said "I visualize myself being mentored by one the many." Left off the of.
MBLTheNumbaOne 4 / 8  
Dec 27, 2013   #5
I agree with two comments, very good essay. Maybe little more refining and you will be spot on.
jsh0011 3 / 6 2  
Dec 27, 2013   #6
Before pounding the pavement on Wall Street, I want to leave my footprints on the campus of Carnegie Mellon.

I think the essay is beautifully written and I especially like the last sentence. But I agree with the first comment that first sentence of second paragraph can be changed into more unique sentence. Good luck!

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