Please help me edit my essay, I will comment back. I know its too long but I don't know what to cut out. Please criticize.
Heres the prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.
Walking down the polished hallway, I enter one of the many doors. Once inside, I take my white lab coat and goggles off their hook and put them on. I put on my gloves and enter the meticulous lab ready for research. A white- haired man approaches me, smiles, and says, "Are you ready?" I smile back and nod. There is no doubt that I am as ready as I ever shall be.
In every successful endeavor, there must be a solid foundation. This foundation must be able to resist the harsh winds and biting chills of criticism and failure. It must never give in or give up. If accepted as an undergraduate at Mellon College of Science (MCS) or Carnegie Institute of Technology (CIT) with the intended major of biochemistry and biotechnology or biomedical engineering, my goal will be to continue to build this unyielding foundation to prepare myself for a career to benefit society. In my desire to find an institution that will help me build this strong foundation, I have discovered that Carnegie Mellon is suited to my every need.
My foundation begins with interest. My first childhood memories are of waiting for my grandmother to come home from work so she could play with me. One day, my grandfather took me on a field trip to visit her. I knew she worked at the hospital but that was about it. Instead, we entered a completely different section of the hospital that I later found out that this was the pharmaceutical research department. When we reached the place where my grandmother was working, I was shocked at how different she looked. She was covered in her long white lab coat and white pants. The room was filled with rows and rows of long desks filled with strangers wearing the same uniform. Some of them were writing in notebooks, others were measuring out liquids into long test tubes and mixing them, while others were simply observing the bubbling liquid in front of them. Although I don't remember the rest of that day clearly, I know I was immediately fascinated by the scene in front of me. From that day on, I have felt a pulling curiosity to the profession of research. The idea of being able to contribute positively to knowledge itself lured me. With an early interest in chemistry, I went on to attend John Hopkins University's CTY Program and take Fast- Paced Chemistry before my freshman year in high school. I was intrigued by the properties of liquid nitrogen, why gluconic acid is converted to sodium gluconate in the presence of sodium hydroxide, and many other things. While chemistry interested me, when I discovered the world of cells and organisms my freshman year, I was captivated. To be able to research proteins and DNA and actually build and design artificial organs that work as well as real ones seemed to be a dream come true
The opportunities that I will discover at Carnegie Mellon are incomparable. By interacting and being able to help research (as an undergraduate!) with renowned faculty, I will be able to absorb the unsurpassable knowledge from their fountain of experience. Aside from faculty, my classrooms will be filled with my peers that not only share my determination but also offer me vast sources of diverse opinions that will not quell, but rather expand my intellectual curiosity. These opportunities will allow me to take advantage of as well as contribute to the CMU community.
While my interests lie in these fields of research that does not mean that there is any sort of dead end to what I am interested in. I will study abroad at the Imperial College in London or at the Ecole Polytechnique Federale in Lausanne, Switzerland to further myself in my education as well as immerse myself in an entirely new culture and new language. It is these experiences that will help me exceed the expectations that are set for me and let me explore my interests much more deeply and thoroughly. In addition to this, attending CMU gives me the chance to extend my high school volunteering which consisted mostly of the heading the local animal shelter volunteer program, being part of BigSib LittleSib, as well as other various projects. At CMU, I am able to take an Alternative Spring Break to participate in service- learning in places that I've never been to, such as Peru or even Louisiana to help our society improve by building homes and providing resources.
Soon after graduating, I imagine myself as a graduate student working alongside a fascinating professor on his research team. Each individual on this competitive team that I will be part of will most certainly be equal in his or her experience, determination and effort. However, I know it is because of Carnegie Mellon University that I will be able to look back at my professor confidently and smile because in essence, my foundation is strong, solid, and unbreakable.
I really liked your essay!
I am not a very strong writer, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt
because in essence, my foundation is strong, solid, and unbreakable.
I liked the theme of a foundation throughout the essay
There is no doubt that I am as ready as I ever shall be.
Kind of cliche
Your essay is good so far. However, your experience with your grandfather was not so impressive. You to put more details in that part, also you did not claim why CUM is right for you. You might want to include some research in the field that you are applying to in CUM
I hope that helps
I am working on my essay and is pain.. good luck
I am also applying for CUM :}
