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Carnegie Mellon Transfer Supplement: "Like Warren Buffett"


johnkdask 1 / -  
Dec 18, 2011   #1
Prompt: Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. If you are applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program you are applying to. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and programs, your essay can impact our final decision. Please do not exceed one page for this essay.

You stare deeply down at the business articles of the Fortune Magazine. Page by page, your jaw starts to drop lower with such fascination and immense envy. Like an avid reader of Fortune magazine, I have also become a victim of a tremendous obsession for the rich lifestyle. Money, fame and materialistic things have caught my attention until an article about Warren Buffett changed my perspectives on life. Warren Buffett once stated, "If you're in the luckiest 1 per cent of humanity, you owe it to the rest of humanity to think about the other 99 per cent". With such a convicting statement, I have then decided to become an economist to contribute to the society. Whether it was through donations or other charity works, I too desired to become a business philanthropist that will use wealth as an asset to help those in need.

Growing up with a family that valued perfection, I have always been taught by my father that I had to "learn from the best to be the best". With that mentality, I sought to challenge myself in the economics curriculum by seeking for more prestigious universities. Carnegie Mellon University, home of the Tepper School of Business and Dietrich College of Humanities and Social Sciences, offers a promising undergraduate economics program that prepares its students for business, law and public policy, as well as for entry into Ph.D. programs in economics and finance. The economics curriculum in Carnegie Mellon also provides a wide spectrum of courses such as Behavioral Economics, Industrial Organization and even Game Theoretic Methods. Students, of the Tepper School of Business, also have the exciting opportunity to enroll in strong core courses that enable them to master the principles of economic theory and the quantitative analysis necessary for applied research. With the undergraduate economics program being jointly administered by Dietrich and Tepper, it will provide me a firm understanding of the fundamental principles of economics while maintaining a flexible curriculum that will suit my goals and interests. It has been my long-life dream to contribute to the economics department by applying myself in research.

Another unique aspect of Carnegie Mellon University is its multi-cultured student body. Unlike other universities, Carnegie Mellon embodies the inherent image of an international atmosphere and is an apt microcosm to today's society. There are students of African, Asian, Hispanic, Native American and Caucasian backgrounds that open one's eyes to various different cultures and customs. Because of its distinct student body, I am very eager to strengthen my role as a global citizen by understanding as well as contributing through my own unique Asian heritage. I am also excited to be involved with the Economics Club as well as collaborate with the members of the department who are in same academic field. With such large number of students whose focus is in line with my own, Carnegie Mellon University will surely bolster my passion for economics through interactions with those inside and outside of my own academic field.

Overall, Carnegie Mellon University is the perfect university for me. All my interests in education and new adventures seem to be well suited in Pittsburgh. Most importantly, the excellent academic programs offered by the university will make me feel proud to be a Tartan, which I will cherish for the rest of my life.

So what do you guys think?
naseemalammar 4 / 6  
Dec 18, 2011   #2
I would change "1 per cent" to "1%"
That's the only real correction I have.
This essay opens with a hook to keep the reader reading, and I think that it answers the question perfectly.
very well written!
Good job!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
Students, of the Tepper School of Business, also have the exciting opportunity to enroll in strong core courses that enable them to master the principles of economic theory and the quantitative analysis necessary for applied research.

This part sounds a little like a brochure, but the rest of the essay is very impressive. I love the specificity and the self-analysis, the examples... everything is great.This sentence above, though, does not really have much meaning, because it says something that could be said about any school.

I also think you spend too many sentences talking about cultural diversity. You should condense that to one sentence, and include it in a paragraph about something more meaningful, perhaps a specific goal you would like to achieve in international business. It is too common and cliched to discuss cultural diversity on a college campus.

Identify one central theme, one message that is important to you. What is the concept that you stand for? Add that concept to the first and especially tot he last paragraph. I guess it involves ambitions toward philanthropy, which is an excellent theme. So infuse the last para with that central theme that you want the reader to remember. Right now the last paragraph seems a little empty.


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