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"Why Carnegie Mellon University"


cloudone 4 / 4  
Oct 30, 2008   #1
I know that this essay isn't well written, but I've really ran out of ideas on how to make it better. The topic is really very difficult. Hope any kind souls can help me to improvise my essay.

My interest in Computer Science ignited after my dad introduced me to a mainframe computer at his work place when I was five. Since then, I have always wanted to learn the architecture of computers, and explore its functions. Carnegie Mellon University has a special place in my heart, for it represents the starting point where my dreams can be realized.

I had my first encounter with Carnegie Mellon when I signed up for a computing course on high school freshman year. The software used to teach introductory programming was Alice, an educational programming language developed and maintained by Carnegie Mellon University. Contrary to the popular belief that learning anything new is always dull and difficult, my first foray into computer programming was a splendid experience - I had not only a fun and enjoyable time in the class, but also a firm grasp of object-oriented programming concept. Although my experience was all but two years of programming the Lego Mindstorms and competing in robotic competitions, the switch to programming on computers and competing in software contests was made surprising easy with Alice. From Alice, I gradually acquired mastery in the Java and C++ programming languages, and participated in software competitions and research. Through Alice, I realized that I was deeply attracted to the challenges in computer science, and I had a passion for programming. I hope to study at the Carnegie Mellon University such that I may be able to be part of the Alice Team and add my knowledge for the benefit of the project.

I yearn to study under the interdisciplinary program offered by the School of Computer Science. Since childhood, I have developed interest not only in technology related fields such as robotics, multimedia, algorithms and database development, but also in other areas like music and sports. The School of Computer Science would certainly enable me to broaden my areas of interest, and deepen my existing interests. After watching "The Last Lecture", I was deeply inspired by Dr. Randy Pausch's, especially by his dedication towards interdisciplinary studies. I would like to spend my time in university under that atmosphere of diversity to expand my horizon. As we are entering a more globalized world, I firmly believe that having a range of specialties would be useful in my career.

An education in Carnegie Mellon University is the next step to realising my aspiration and passion. I hope to scale greater academic heights by studying in the School of Computer Science, and farther my passion in computer science by collaborating in projects that could make a difference to the world.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 30, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

A few things.

First, make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Computer Science" should not be capitalized.

Remove the comma after "computers" in the first paragraph.

Place a comma after "algorithms" in the third paragraph.

Make sure your punctuation is always enclosed in quotation marks when using them. For instance, "The Last Lecture", should be "t he Last Lecture, "

You say you were inspired by Dr. Randy Pausch's...what? Please finish this sentence.

"Horizon" should be "Horizons."

I hope this helps you get started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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