Hey! Any suggestions on this would be great! Especially on my conclusion, not sure if that's the best way to end? thanks!
prompt: Please submit a one page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. For freshmen applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program to which you are applying. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and program, your essay can impact our final decision. Candidates applying for early decision or transfer may apply to only one college and department.
When I started out my college search last year as a naive, uneducated child, I stumbled upon Carnegie Mellon. When I visited CMU everything from the beautiful campus to the genuinely nice students to the amazing programs made me fall in love. I even assisted a CMU alumni and friend of mine who currently works on movie sets as a scenic painter. Hearing her experience and praise of CMU made me even more positive that this was the school for me. Carnegie Mellon is an incredibly well-rounded school and so am I. Not only does it have exemplary programs in engineering and computer science, it then flips to the opposite side of the spectrum and offers one of the best art and drama schools in the nation. By doing this, it defeats a common pattern and stereotype that I believe many schools have--if it's a good art school- it's just a good art school, and if it's a good science school- it's just a good science school. People are stereotyped this way as well. When my classmates find out I am good at art they assume that is all I am good at-- not intelligent, or a good leader, just good at art. When people learn I take all AP and Honors classes, they assume I am a bright student, and that's it. I was categorized because no one can be good at more than one thing, right? When one gets know me better, they realize that I, just like CMU, thoroughly shatter that stereotype. Not only am I artistic, but I'm also bright, musical, and a leader. I love the arts, I love history, I love physics, I love technology, I love music, I love law, I don't however, love writing essays Though my love for art and design trumps other subjects, I enjoy and excel in many other categories as well, as does CMU.
By attending Carnegie Mellon, I feel as though I will not be put in a box. I can take classes or minor something completely different than my major. I can be well educated in multiple fields. Instead of just being an "art school", CMU excels in everything they do and that's a rare and coveted quality that makes CMU my top choice.
However, what appeals to me the most about CMU is their fantastic Communications Design program. Throughout my years, I've grown more and more fond of design, especially graphic design. Due to my Mother earning her Masters in film in Germany and later becoming a graphic designer and my Dad being a freelance photographer, art has always had a huge influence on my life. When I was younger, I would constantly be making art whether in the form of paintings or short videos. I've always known my heart was in art but I had never known where that would lead me; until the fall of my sophomore year. Every grade at my high school must create a homecoming float for the homecoming game. When I arrived at the first meeting, the student in charge came up to me and asked "Hey Josefine, you're creative and good at art, can you design the float?". I was slightly taken aback by this. Designing a 50 ft long float is no small task and I knew nothing about it, but I'm not one to turn down an opportunity or a challenge, so I got to it. Little did I know, that accepting this opportunity would shape what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I quickly fell in love with my project. Designing the float put me in charge of all the people working on it. I was able to share my vision with a group of people and lead them to fulfill my design. From there on out, I designed and helped create the float every year. Thanks to this, I knew I wanted to be an art director. Designing, leading teams, and solving problems is right up my alley. Whether it be for film or magazines, it's a job I dream of one day earning. Communications Design is the perfect major for me because it teaches one how to communicate through art, a highly important and sometimes overlooked skill. As an artist, your work must not only resonate well with you, but with an audience as well. This major will lead me on the right path no matter what career in the artistic field I pursue.
Carnegie Mellon will not put me in a box. I'm a creative student who has a love and a drive for many things. I have created art on my own, and thrown my heart into it in order to succeed in something I love. I have the creativity and drive to bring something out of nothing with minimal guidance. CMU has the skills to teach how to become the best in my field. A Carnegie Mellon education combined with determination is a coalition that will not lose. "My Heart is in the work".
I'm also applying to CMU too, so I guess good luck? Eheheh. I'm not too strong a writer, so keep in mind these are merely suggestions, so you can take it or leave it.
Anyways, minor things about your essay I've noticed:
I don't think you want the AOs to believe you're a "naïve, uneducated child" from the get-go. I understand what you're trying there, but I don't think it has the desired effect. Either change the diction or you can use an alternative opening. One idea is to start your essay with a quote that your alumni said (e.g. "At Carnegie Mellon, you can be both an artist and an entrepreneur." I did not know what the former alumni and friend meant when he/she said those words. But a little research proved me that the university was the school for me...") Okay, that was a bad example, but still, you get the point. You can use a stronger opening. :D
The entire section leading up to the rhetorical question isn't too effective, since you use a vague example ("people are stereotyped as well..."). Instead, you can relate this to a specific example. What times have you experienced this stereotype? Perhaps your friends thought you were going to be an applied mathematics major when you took AP Calculus BC? Maybe your peers assumed that you were going to pursue literature just because you got an A on the English test? I also think CMU's strong point is in its versatility, and I think it's great you touch on it; just make it personal, since it's a "personal statement".
I'd recommend deleting "I don't, however, love writing essays."-I know you're trying to add a little humor there, but I don't think you want to risk the readers to take those words seriously. If you want to keep that little joke, you can instead write something along the lines of "While I may not want to spend the rest of my life writing AP Language essays or memorizing the periodic table..., I do love all of my academic subjects wholeheartedly."
The 3rd paragraph is excellent! I love the personal anecdote. Really minor, but "Mother" and "Dad" probably should be lowercase and also be either "mother/father" or "mom/dad", unless you really do refer them in that unconventional way. This is also just personal preference, but you can also put the personal anecdote at the first paragraph instead to catch the reader's attention, and then elaborate how "this opportunity would shape what I wanted to do for the rest of my life" and connect it to CMU.
Your box analogy is also unique, and I love it. You can even choose to expand upon it throughout other parts of the essay. I think the conclusion is better without the final quote; the second-to-last sentence works fine, unless you choose to do something creative with your box.
Finally, check for grammar, especially verb confusion; some parts make it hard for the reader to follow.
Whoa, that was a longer response than I expected. Hopefully this helps you...hopefully...
