I was hoping to have submitted this tuesday... But I just couldn't get these essays done in time.
Here's my first one:
Be as harsh as possible.
I'm looking for more structural and content analysis/criticism than grammar correction.
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Carpe Diem
When someone asks me where I picture myself in twenty to twenty-five years, I think of a countryside house in England with baroque decorations and classical music wafting through rooms with tall, arched ceilings. A gigantic, three-story library sits at the heart of my little haven, holding over a million books ranging from first edition Charles Dickens novels to multiple volume sets of the teachings of Chinese philosophers. My own paintings, hung side by side with Dali, Picasso and Rembrant, will tastefully line the walls. Just a twenty minute car ride away, on the outskirts of the city, will be a large clinic that will cater to everyone's troubles in a polite and serious manner. The proprietor of the establishment, and the head doctor, will naturally be me. Since I have always struggled with health issues and have never been financially secure, I want to make my "business" as affordable for everyone as I can, and if I receive funding, I'll eventually try to make it all free and expand. You see, I'm quite the dreamer, and I tend to often get ahead of myself.
I was born in Ukraine and relocated here with my mom when I was six years old. As I grew up, I played not with Barbie Dolls, but with Matreshkas (those famous Russian Nesting dolls). I eat Borsch and perozhki and pelmeni and kotleti- all delicious dishes of Ukraine. Our small living room is made enormous by the golden colors of European-style furniture, picture frames, vases and flooring. Almost every knick-knack, plate, and floor-piece is grape or flower themed. The dramatic power of Beethoven's symphonies and the melodic structure of Schubert's compositions sound through our home as we drink tea in the afternoon. The only accepted language at home is Russian. Sometimes I forget that I'm living in America.
When I look back to those first few years of life the U.S., I almost can't believe how far I've come. At any rate, I know I could not have done any of it alone. My mother's good qualities- her idealism, her tenacity- rubbed off on me. I learned from her to never let the petty things get to me, to always lead the pack instead of trailing behind. Although my mom has always pushed me hard, she has never forced her opinions on me or demanded that I strictly adhere to her advice. When I told her I was thinking of going into the medical field, she warned me that I was in for at least ten long years of school and a heck of a workload, but nevertheless, she said she would always be there to support me.
My home, my mom, and my experiences together have shaped me into the persistent, resolute young girl I am today. I have no regrets. I write my own rules. I will never slack, and never give up. I aspire to be perfect, I was not brought up to be any other way. Laziness is not word you will find in my vocabulary. I may be a dreamer, but I am also determined to make those dreams come true.
It's actually an interesting story. I think the first paragraph is not necessary, because the prompt actually asks you to write about your family, community, or school. Not about your dreams. It's about the world you come from, and I'd pretty much say that the rest of your essay if okay because it actually answers the prompt.
I think you can keep the first paragraph, but link it to the conclusion. As in talk about you world and say how that has influenced you to be a dreamer. Very interesting story! I was planning to submit mine too but I didn't manage. Would really appreciate it if you could give me feedback! thanks and goodluck!
This is the sort of phrase that feels good to include in the first draft, but it should be removed in the final draft.
You see, I'm quite the dreamer, and I tend to often get ahead of myself. ---see, it's really more powerful if you get rid of that little phrase... more interesting.
I was born in Ukraine and relocated here with my mom when I was six years old. As I grew up, I played not with...----In this paragraph where you talk about the culture, you should make a connection to the main idea, the main message of the whole essay.
And for every sentence in the whole essay, I think you should ask yourself if it contributes to the main message, the main idea you want the reader to remember about you.
It's important to have one intriguing and meaningful idea, and let the whole essay come together to support that idea. If you include an irrelevant sentence, it detracts from the power. So see if any of these sentences are unhelpful, and kill them if necessary. :-)
