I'm strugging with my essays and hoping for advices
A cat. Several spitballs. A game.
To infuse vitality into my cat, called Creativity, which was getting rather old and tired and be left completely exhausted during the writing process of my common essay, I made some spitballs with random numbers for it to play with. For three times, it caught the same ball, numbered 115.
Seeing him get better, I began to do researches about schools with Fiske Guide to Colleges. Recalling the number that is so attractive to Creativity, I turned to page 115. What? Carleton College? After seeking this name in my mind without even reading its introduction, I just grumbled, " Creativity, why you like this one? You are really old and get myopia." and ready to turn the page. However, Creativity just jumped on my desk and slept on the page. After trying to driving it away but failing, I began to read the introduction of Carleton. "Gorgeous campus and surrounding lakes, friendly students and responsible professors, community sense, plenty of opportunities to study aboard, special academic schedule with three term a year and each term lasts for ten weeks, concerns for social issues and strong programs in science!" As I read, I sank in, without noticing Creativity has turned to play with his toys.
"Creativity! You good boy! You get an extra meal today!", I hugged it. It mewed, expressing its gladness.
Sincerely, I hope for the blue offer with golden stamp.
Hi ! Here's my corrections.
How about calling your cat he or she ? You used it in the "As I read, I sank in, without noticing Creativity has turned to play with his toys. "
I made some spitballs with random numbers on it for him to play with.
Surprisingly, he caught the same ball, numbered 115, for three times.
You are really old and get myopia." and was ready to turn the page.
Creativity just jumped onto my desk and started to sleep on the open page of the book.
Look the word " abroad" , three terms
As I read, I completely sank in it without even noticing Creativity had turned to play with his toys.
Expressing his gladness, he mewed.
@glk, as your struggling in your essay, I'm just very confused.
Your essay seem to combine a lot of different elements of writing such as poetry, personal statement and direct translation.
I say you start drafting ideas, proof read them and give it a little finish, that's when you publish it here on EF.
Here's a few points;
- what is your subject
- how does your subject affect the entirety of the essay
- what is special about your subject
- the body of the essay should also remain true to it's purpose
- site a few examples, comparisons, contrast and similarities
- to conclude, what is the lesson that a reader will pick up from the essay.
Answering the questions and points above should help you revise your essay, post it back here so we can help you further.
Hello, I would like to give you a few suggestions. The opening of your essay seems to have incomplete sentences and is confusing. "A cat. Several spitballs. A game." There needs to be more information to give the reader the ability to understand why this is the story you are telling. It seems more fitting to begin your story by telling it.
Ex: To infuse vitality into my cat, called Creativity, which was getting rather old and tired and be left me completely exhausted during the writing process of my common essay,..."
As mentioned previously in the previous post, this sentence needs some mention of the gender of the cat. Ex: For Three times, ithe caught the same ball, numbered 115. I used he, but use the appropriate gender for your cat.
I think you should state that you stopped noticing your cat and started your research. Ex: Seeing him get better As Creativity improved his catching skills, I began to do researches about schools using..."
I would use the past tense for the next sentence. Notice the changes to this sentence: "As I recalled the number that was so attractive to Creativity, I turned to page 115."
The question should read: "Creativity why did you like this number?" Change these words "have myopia". The next sentence should be separate: "Then I was ready to turn the page".
I would state "...drive Creativity away..." Also, change this word: "three terms". Since you use three, term had to be plural.
Change the spelling to "meowed". Since you discuss Creativity in the end, you need a better transition to discuss the school. Did you think about the blue offer with a golden stamp after after Creativity meowed? If you did, here is a suggestion: Then I thought, "I hope for the blue offer with a golden stamp to Carleton College."
