Hi, I was wondering if anybody could take a look at my personal statement and offer some insightful comments and possibly fix any errors. Also if anybody could help me cut back on words, that would be helpful. I'm not the best writer, but this was the best I could do. Thank you!
Prompt #1
The rain fell steadily and the wind blew constantly. I told myself I was not ready to give up, but my body said otherwise. I was nearing the two and a half hour mark with two miles to go. Each revolution came with increased intensity and determination as I fought against Mother Nature. I wanted to push myself to my breaking point. I wanted to be number one. I wanted to be on top of the world. I pushed on. The place of my birth and childhood, the Bay Area was a panorama, lay before my eyes. I was on top of the world. I conquered forty miles of slippery slopes and winding paths to end up atop the peak of Mount Tamalpais. I breathed a sigh of relief and fell to my knees.
Cycling has always been a part of my life. Whether it is a trip to the grocery store or to school, rain or shine, cycling is how I will get there. I never had the luxury of my parents driving me places, so that is how my passion for cycling came to be. Nobody I know shares the same passion for cycling like I do. When I go cycling, I am my own team. I train by myself. I suffer by myself. I succeed by myself. And have my eyes set on "Le Tour de France". Distance does not matter, but it is the effort to go the distance that matters.
As I grew up, my parents were rarely there for me; they worked day and night to support our family. This placed a toll on our family's integrity; there were constant arguments between my parents and never any family bonding. I wanted loving and caring parents. I wanted a normal life. I now look back to those times not as a disadvantage, but an opportunity. I soon found myself distancing myself from my parents, becoming independent of them. I became my own cook. I was the babysitter of my two younger brothers. I was the housekeeper. I used my own savings to buy school supplies and clothes. I learned to move on.
Growing up in poverty in a communist controlled and war-torn Vietnam, my parents never had the chance to pursue higher education. My mother dreamt of being a doctor, while my father, a computer scientist. My father in particular has been of great inspiration and motivation for me. He was forced to serve in the Vietnamese army in his teenage years and overcame adversity. He possesses that fighting spirit and competiveness that I see present in me. Despite what little relationship my father and I share, he has always encouraged me to keep my head high through times of hardship. Being the oldest child and the first to go to college has been difficult, having to pave my own path towards success, learning from my mistakes, and lighting the pathway to success to those behind me, making sure they make the right turn at the forks in the road.
The catalyst for my desire to pursue higher education and ultimately study computer science is my father. He bought me my first computer when I was just five years old and by the time I was ten, I knew more about computers than most people then and now. At fourteen years old, I was able to build and troubleshoot my own computer, gaining critical thinking skills. I soon gained the reputation as the "computer guy", being able to solve any computer related problems brought up by friends and family. Through the constant exposure to computer hardware, I decided that hardware would not be complete without software; therefore, I endeavored to self-teach myself a computer language or two; so far having been able to develop a calculator program. My goal for studying computer science is to be able to develop apps for the Android Market and iTunes Store, and potentially creating my own business. I want to be able to spread my knowledge of computers to benefit my community, teaching people of all ages how to use a computer. Most of all, I want to follow my father's footsteps and fulfill his dream, and now mine, of becoming a computer scientist.
The world that I grew up in inspired me to go beyond what was expected of me. I never gave up. I always believed in myself. I want to be number one. I want to be on top of the world. I am a cyclist. I am a computer scientist. I am Martin Duong.
The place of my birth and childhood, the Bay Area was a panorama, lay before my eyes.
Cycling has always been a part of my life, Whether it is a trip to the grocery store or to school. Rain or shine, cycling is how I will get there.
I train by myself. I suffer by myself. I succeed by myself.
i train, suffer, and succeed by myself.
i know youre trying to make an emphasis on how you have no one to share these things with, but remember, we have a word limit. so try to reduce all unneccessary words.
And have my eyes set on "Le Tour de France". Distance does not matter, but it is the effort to go the distance that matters.
The first part is not a complete sentence. maybe add "I" after "and". but i feel like this sentence didnt really flow into the paragraph.
actually, you can take out the whole cycling thing. its not really relevant. although it is a good hook/mini anecdote.
overall, the essay is well-written. the idea is good, so keep working on it! :)
