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'Catch. Pass. Catch' - Common Application Short Answer- Lacrosse


caligirl23 2 / 2  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Please critique anything you feel is needed. I need to loose a couple sentences. This is 186 words, and it needs to be 150 max. Thanks in advance!

Oh yea, if you give me any feedback i'll be sure to return the favor :)

Prompt: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

"Whewwwww!" At the sound of the whistle the ball is flung in the air. Catch. Pass. Catch. My heart is pumping, and adrenaline racing full speed. My opponent is on the move, and coming in my direction. As she approaches I can see her in plain view. Her eyes are glaring with the same intensity that is burning within my body. We are both seeking the same goal: to pocket a win. "Got ball," I yell. A quick two-step and I am now defending her. Is she going to pass me? "Got help". Not a chance. To my rescue appears my teammate for a double-team. I check the ball. Scoop. Pass. Catch. We recover, and down the field we go, one-step closer to a victory. Lacrosse has not only enhanced my understanding of unity, but it has taught me what it takes to succeed. I have learned to develop mental toughness and ban self-limiting thoughts. No matter how cold it is, or how tough the is going, it will eventually end. This has cemented the 'pain is temporary while glory lasts forever' mindset into my psyche.

lapsi95 4 / 10  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
No matter how cold it is, or how tough the is going, it will eventually end.

It sounds like you are missing a word in there. "How tough the ____ is going..."

As she approaches I can see her in plain view.

For this sentence, is it really necessary to say you see her in plain view? Maybe you could try finding some other descriptive detail that doesn't take away from the flow of this section.

Besides for that, I liked the narrative. Good use of sentences of varying length.
umulbaneen 4 / 27  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
i really like your short answer
i had no clue how to elaborate my own answer and your questiong has also answered mine
thanks
poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
This is a very special way to answer the prompt. Not only is it original, but it is also very nice to read, pretty vivid and passionate. Nice work :)

Could you help me with my posts (short answers, they wont steal you a lot of time)? :)


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