Please take some time to critique my UPenn supplement. Any comments at all would be extremely helpful.
Prompt: Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community. Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?
Looking into the extracurricular activities at University of Pennsylvania, I was overwhelmed by the multitude of clubs available to students. These activities facilitate the students' exploration of the many facets that makes them diverse from one another. It also allows them to connect and form lasting relationships with other individuals who share common interests and backgrounds. As a Catholic Indian with an interest in medicine who enjoys singing and dancing, there is much that this university has to offer for me that I can give in return.
Medicine has been my aspiration since childhood. The way my pediatrician guided my family through a medical crisis made me realize that I would similarly like to help others. By high school, my passion for the sciences set my resolve to becoming a doctor. I believe that University of Pennsylvania can help me reach this ambition by preparing me for medical school with the many majors and opportunities given to pre-med students. The Pre-Medical Association at Penn would allow me to meet others like myself who are interested in medicine and contribute what I know about health issues. I am also be interested in joining the Minority Association of Pre-Health Students because, similar to the internship I participated in, it seeks to encourage the employment of minorities in health-related professions and addresses racial inequalities within the healthcare field, both of which are issues that I am fervent upon addressing to the public.
Taught to accept all cultural differences has helped me expand my horizons and become more open-minded towards the diversity of a society, like that of New York City. I am proud of my Indian heritage and I am definitely interested in joining The United Minorities Council, which enables me to express that pride. A reason it is particularly of interest to me is because one of the topics they focus on is racial disparities. Besides speaking about Indian culture, I would also love to be able to help Penn showcase Indian culture. I have had a passion for singing since I was child, particularly songs in Indian languages such as Hindi, Malayalam, and Tamil. Therefore, I was thrilled when I heard about Atma, the South Asian a cappella group, a group unique to Penn that is rarely found elsewhere. That is one group I would without a doubt be interested in joining. Pennaach, a club that performs Indian dances, would allow me to show the audience traditional, classical, and modern forms of Indian dance.
A devout Catholic all my life, the Penn Catholic Student Association would be an ideal group for me to join. Charity work has always been taken seriously in my house and I felt overwhelmed by the vast number of community service opportunities available to students at Penn, many of which I am interested in to taking part of. I am an active member of many non-profit organizations and I intend to continue to lend my help during college. The Penn Habitat for Humanity is an organization that provides affordable housing to those in need around the world. I have been involved with this program since for years and will continue to participate in it during college. Helping out groups like Strive for College will enable me to work with kids and provide them with information that I had not received when I needed it. I also desire to help other groups such as Operation Smile, organizations that have touched my heart one too many times for me to sit back and not act for it.
It would be fictitious to say that the advantages to University of Pennsylvania's academic and social communities are one-sided; everyone benefits from these groups by giving all they have to offer and listening to what others have in their minds as well. I believe that my cultural background and various interests, as well as my willingness to join and play a role in the many Penn groups, provides me with many opportunities to contribute to the Penn community. From intellectual interests to backgrounds to hobbies and community service, this university offers its students many means by which they can embrace who they are and, in turn, give students the opportunity to reveal what they have contribute to University of Pennsylvania.
Thanks for reading!
I like your essay, it is well written; however, you might want to add how you will contribute to it. Your paper focuses more on what Penn will do for you, not what you will contribute back.
Your essay is well written. You didn't spread yourself out thinly or concentrate on just one club. I liked how you touched base on a number of different characteristics that might not have been revealed as fully on the other parts of your app.
"I also desire to help other groups such as Operation Smile, organizations that have touched my heart one too many times for me to sit back and not act
for it ."
Nadine, I see that you closed the thread, so I guess I did not respond in time to participate in the process. The deadline for many people was the first, so I guess that is the case for you? Thanks for posting, anyway! you have great sentences structure, and that thesis at the end of para #1 is very well constructed.