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Celebrating Life oftheMind-- "Why Swarthmore Essay"


JS2010 7 / 18  
Feb 19, 2010   #1
I knew I wanted to attend Swarthmore the first moment I popped the DVD into my player. I sat in my living room, my back stiff with anticipation and my eyes hungry for what I was about to see. The video played; student after student appeared on my TV screen, enthusiastic about the confessional spilling from their lips. I tore my eyes from the screen and flipped the DVD cover over in my hands, "Swarthmore Unscripted" it read. I brought my eyes level with the screen again and saw the same words on my screen and after a few minutes into the show, I saw something else. In the classrooms that were pictured, I saw myself, sitting in the front of the class my attention gripped by the professor so much that the notes I began taking were put on pause. I saw myself in the wayward student wandering campus grounds, just passing by the camera for a brief moment. I saw myself in four years sitting in front of the camera, sharing my own testimony to a student like myself. It was the DVD that peaked my interest and captured my attention but it was seeing the students working together in a close-knit community that made me think twice. The intimate feel of a classroom portrayed perfectly through ten seconds of film that helped me make a decision. It was the quirky aspects of Swarthmore such as "Screw Your Roommate" that convinced me that I could make a home there. I choose Swarthmore because of its strong liberal academics, but I love Swarthmore for the components beyond that.

One thing that stood out to me when doing my research on Swarthmore was the statement "Swarthmore celebrates the life of the mind" written on their website. Books are not the only source of knowledge we have access to, any activity can made into food for the mind. I want my college education to be full of experiences, I want to see and feel the sensations of life beyond words in a textbook and I know that Swarthmore would quench that hunger. For all these reasons I accept Swarthmore, and hope that I am one step closer to becoming a fellow "Swattie".

Ok I really need editing for this one. All help is appreciated!!
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Feb 19, 2010   #2
Hi

The video played; student after student appeared on my TV screen, enthusiastic about the confessional spilling from their lips.

the second clause, enthusiastic... seems to modify TV screen, which isn't correct. also, you can just say screen. I think you can take out the video played~

...in my hands, "Swarthmore Unscripted" it read.

edit to :...in my hands-- it read, "Swarthmore Unscripted."

I brought my eyes level with the screen again and saw the same words on my screen and after a few minutes into the show, I saw something else.

seems like you didn't know what was in that there DVD. just a thought. you call this a "show." why? and what is the purpose of this sentence than an extended transition?

In the classrooms that were pictured, I saw myself, sitting in the front of the class my attention gripped by the professor so much that the notes I began taking were put on pause

edit to :I saw myself sitting in the classrooms, my attention gripped by the professor's lecture/presentations/(something). here i'm not sure if you want to use this, or insert a with/and with the comma

wayward student

why:? sounds like you'll be a quirky one. ha

just passing by the camera for a brief moment.

again, why this? is it because you want to be involved in the school?

I saw myself in four years sitting in front of the camera, sharing my own testimony to a student like myself.

really:? that's really great thinking. again, the camera is not the one sharing you own testimony. modifier error~

It was the DVD that peaked my interest and captured my attention but it was seeing the students working together in a close-knit community that made me think twice.

edit to: While it was this DVD that caught my interest, it was seeing the ... that made me decide I wanted to go there/here.

quirky aspects of Swarthmore such as "Screw Your Roommate"

hahaha. you are funny. are you sure? i'm not getting an inside joke, but still. sounds quirky indeed

One thing that stood out to me when doing my research on Swarthmore was the statement "Swarthmore celebrates the life of the mind" written on their website.

edit to: While researching Swarthmore College, I found the statement "..." very catchy/outstanding/(something).

Books are not the only source of knowledge we have access to, any activity can made into food for the mind.

you jump from that quote to this. i'm not sure i catch the connection here. as for this sentence, use a dash instead of the comma (earlier -- was a dash too)

I want my college education to be full of experiences, I want to see and feel the sensations of life beyond words in a textbook and I know that Swarthmore would quench that hunger.

since you state this here, that prev. sentence is not necessary~ of course everyone wants experiences in college. Maybe: For my college experience, I crave/(some hunger word to make it a pun :] ) chances to see and feel the sensations of a life beyond a textbook; I know that Swarthmore would quench that hunger.

For all these reasons I accept Swarthmore, and hope that I am one step closer to becoming a fellow "Swattie".

again, why this sentence:? why will you "accept" Swarthmore? this is a funny concluding sentence. good luck with it :]

comments: interesting intro to Swarthmore. maybe emphasize more why the college and not the DVD. what specifically about Swarthmore's program appeals to you. you say

I choose Swarthmore because of its strong liberal academics, but I love Swarthmore for the components beyond that.

you don't mention the former much, and you infer about the latter somewhat better. fit them both in or just mention uno:] good luck with you app
peacelovesarah 5 / 11  
Feb 19, 2010   #3
I really like this! I do suggest mentioning a few other things Swarthmore has to offer that you like. The "Screw Your Roommate" is good, but I suggest adding at least one, but maybe two other examples as well :) Good luck!

I choose Swarthmore because of its strong liberal academics, but I love Swarthmore for the components beyond that.

I think that "choose" should be "chose". I know it can be used both ways in this sentence, but I think it makes more sense when in the past tense.
OP JS2010 7 / 18  
Feb 20, 2010   #4
First of thanks Jon cuz you have like edited alot of my essays before and I make alot of mistakes so thanks for catching them!! I know they're gonna nitpick this essay so thanks for doing it before they did lol!! And Sarah thanks for the encouragement and edit!


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