Hi
The video played; student after student appeared on my TV screen, enthusiastic about the confessional spilling from their lips.
the second clause, enthusiastic... seems to modify TV screen, which isn't correct. also, you can just say screen. I think you can take out the video played~
...in my hands, "Swarthmore Unscripted" it read.
edit to :...in my hands-- it read, "Swarthmore Unscripted."
I brought my eyes level with the screen again and saw the same words on my screen and after a few minutes into the show, I saw something else.
seems like you didn't know what was in that there DVD. just a thought. you call this a "show." why? and what is the purpose of this sentence than an extended transition?
In the classrooms that were pictured, I saw myself, sitting in the front of the class my attention gripped by the professor so much that the notes I began taking were put on pause
edit to :I saw myself sitting in the classrooms, my attention gripped by the professor's lecture/presentations/(something). here i'm not sure if you want to use this, or insert a with/and with the comma
wayward student
why:? sounds like you'll be a quirky one. ha
just passing by the camera for a brief moment.
again, why this? is it because you want to be involved in the school?
I saw myself in four years sitting in front of the camera, sharing my own testimony to a student like myself.
really:? that's really great thinking. again, the camera is not the one sharing you own testimony. modifier error~
It was the DVD that peaked my interest and captured my attention but it was seeing the students working together in a close-knit community that made me think twice.
edit to: While it was this DVD that caught my interest, it was seeing the ... that made me decide I wanted to go there/here.
quirky aspects of Swarthmore such as "Screw Your Roommate"
hahaha. you are funny. are you sure? i'm not getting an inside joke, but still. sounds quirky indeed
One thing that stood out to me when doing my research on Swarthmore was the statement "Swarthmore celebrates the life of the mind" written on their website.
edit to: While researching Swarthmore College, I found the statement "..." very catchy/outstanding/(something).
Books are not the only source of knowledge we have access to, any activity can made into food for the mind.
you jump from that quote to this. i'm not sure i catch the connection here. as for this sentence, use a dash instead of the comma (earlier -- was a dash too)
I want my college education to be full of experiences, I want to see and feel the sensations of life beyond words in a textbook and I know that Swarthmore would quench that hunger.
since you state this here, that prev. sentence is not necessary~ of course everyone wants experiences in college. Maybe: For my college experience, I crave/(some hunger word to make it a pun :] ) chances to see and feel the sensations of a life beyond a textbook; I know that Swarthmore would quench that hunger.
For all these reasons I accept Swarthmore, and hope that I am one step closer to becoming a fellow "Swattie".
again, why this sentence:? why will you "accept" Swarthmore? this is a funny concluding sentence. good luck with it :]
comments: interesting intro to Swarthmore. maybe emphasize more why the college and not the DVD. what specifically about Swarthmore's program appeals to you. you say
I choose Swarthmore because of its strong liberal academics, but I love Swarthmore for the components beyond that.
you don't mention the former much, and you infer about the latter somewhat better. fit them both in or just mention uno:] good luck with you app