this is my common app short response. I was thinking of using it instead for the common app essay, or something else. Should I? or is this fine for the short essay? thanks!
My fingers are hardened by labor; But not the labor of brute force and mindless repetition. No, this is a different kind of labor, a refined labor, a labor of love. One of melodic precision and tedious preparation; One that requires years of honing and hours of grueling concentration. This labor is an art, and has been my life for the past nine years. I am a musician, but not just any musician. I am a Shostakovich junkie; Give me the Eight String Quartet and I could give an hour lecture on the notes D, E-flat, C, and B. But this would merely scratch the surface of my musical profile. My ringtone sounds to the tune of Jacqueline Du Pre's Elgar. No, I do not play the bass, and yes, there is a difference between band and orchestra, so please learn it. I am a musician. I am a cellist.
Hi there!
Good work here. Here are a couple of quick thoughts:
-The 'meter' or rhythm of this paragraph feels quite poetic, which I like. In fact, in your original version I was reminded of an Elizabeth Bishop poem ("The Art of Losing"). I would advise against overuse of semicolons, though; that can get cloying :)
-I think this essay could dig a little deeper, even in 150 words. I really like how your hands evidence the fact that you are a musician--it's a great image and parallel for the evolution of your essay (superficial--> deep/interior). I don't get the progression here though:
"I am a musician, but not simply a musician. I am a Shostakovich junkie. Give me the Eighth String Quartet and I could give an hour lecture on the notes D, E-flat, C, and B. But this would merely scratch the surface of my musical profile. My ringtone sounds to the tune of Jacqueline Du Pre's Elgar. No, I am not in band and no, I do not play the bass, even though Bass cleft is my home. I am simply a cellist."
What's wrong with simply being a musician? Why is it important to your identity that you call yourself a cellist, first and foremost? This essay seems to IMPLY without really getting to the heart of what you want to say. Does that make sense?
As a fellow musician, I understand the need to identify yourself and your art form; however, by the essay's end, I'd like to know why it's important to you that you do.
Cheers,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
thanks! i dunno, like essay wise, i think its the best thing i have written so far...do you think i should turn it into an essay then for my personal statement or something else?? Because Im usually not a strong writer...and i just hope that because its just the short answer it will get overlooked..i just am trying to thing what way would help me the most and stand out the most to the admissions counselors. and you dont think it sounds to rude or anything? thats why i changed the first draft...
hahah i feel so honored about your comment concerning the poem...i wasn't consciously trying to make it that way...though we are in the poetry unit in my lit class...hm!!! oh and ya regarding the semicolons...i am a bit unsure of when to use them...i mean i know the rules on using them ( and commas to) but its just a habit of second guessing myself. thansk so much!
correct me if im wrong but
I am a musician, but not just any musician.
We can avoid an incomplete sentence here by using a dash:
No, this is a different kind of labor, a refined labor, a labor of love -- one of melodic precision and tedious preparation, one that requires years of honing and hours of grueling concentration.
Yes, this is indeed some rhythmic writing... I like it!
Do not capitalize after a semi-colon:
...give me the Eight String Quartet, and I could give an hour lecture on the notes D, E-flat, C, and B. But this would merely scratch the surface of my musical profile. instead of my musical profile, refer to the complexity of music. It will accomplish the same effect without boasting.
No, I do not play the bass, and yes, there is a difference between band and orchestra, so please learn it. ----I like the spunkiness of this, but when AO readers are trying to decide who to accept and who to disappoint, this gives them a little negative feeling toward you...just a little. And besides, right now you are being the kind of musician called an essayist, and it is the job of an essayist to EXPLAIN, so instead of the imperative "please learn it," you could give a few words to express the difference. I do not think there is a difference between band and orchestra, so I challenge you to an argument! :-)
Congratulations, though, on this great piece of writing. It comes out of nowhere when it is inspired, just like music.
