Challenge in my life- short paragraphs

This is just roughly done and can only be about 250 words.
It is supposed to be about a challenge in life that i overcame. I don't have any huge challenges such as going through cancer so i thought this subject was significant.

please criticize this ! it can only be 250 words so let me know what is okay to delete out of it, thanks !

Sitting in my desk, I cringe at the thought of being called on to read the mere six sentence paragraph. Thankfully, she chooses my classmate to read and a weight is lifted off of my shoulders. Shyness may seem like an effortless hurdle to overcome, but for me it has been a bumpy road in and outside of school. I have always been known as the quiet girl throughout my school years, that is, until my junior year of high school.

Beginning in elementary school I started hearing the infamous statement in my life, "You're so quiet." It wasn't something I paid much attention to until middle school. Often my peers and teachers said I'll break out of my shell before I knew it, so this obstacle sat in the back of my mind, but I didn't dwell on it. My introversion began to take a toll on me in high school. I did have many friends and it was easy for me to open up and be comfortable around them; however I noticed that it began affecting my educational experiences. For example, I took a psychology class in my junior year and ended with a C in the class. Participation, meaning constantly raising your hand to answer or even ask questions, was meticulously graded on a chart. This was failure screaming at me. It was in this class that I realized my coyness was limiting my success.

I did not want this characteristic to hold me back in other aspects of my life, such as getting a job or even meeting new people. I took this challenge on with a positive attitude and began to voice my opinion in different situations. I also began to introduce myself to new people instead of being a wallflower. Overcoming this challenge gave me the confidence to diminish the thought of fear and humiliation of voicing my opinion. This challenge in my life helped me grow comfortable and confident with myself.

for MIT?

your essay needs to be in past tense. so I cringed, she chose...


i would use ellipses. my school years...until my junior year
also, do you really need thruout my school years? i mean, it's all your life right?


awkward order
I began to hear the infamous statement when I was still in elementary school , or just in elementary school

avoid you's

your 2nd paragraph in which you described your problem isn't very touching...it's flat and filled with facts, which isn't bad, but it feels empty. The reader cannot sympathize with you if you depict your problem with a boring tone.

one of the reasons: you spend 4 sentences before FINALLY getting to the problem: it was affecting your grades. I mean, if this is a problem, then SAY it's a problem. Don't go about saying how it wasn't a problem in the beginning, and how you were making friends just fine...what's your point? Is this something you struggled with or not?

Notice that although this is an internal problem, we get 0 times your psychology. How did you react? was it only grades? i mean, you have to FEEL it first before it gets to the grades right?


so this is your solution? that's IT?

look, the prompt asks for a challenge and how you overcame it. THe only part you actually answered it is 1 sentence: introduce myself to new people...with such an easy question, I begin to wonder whether the problem existed in the first place...

yea, answer the prompt

thanks for the critique!

do you think it would be more appropriate to talk about my dad doing abusing his use of prescription pills, which affected our relationship...instead of talking about shyness?

i think it would be more personal...i think...not sure about anything right now, especially concerning a MIT prompt :(