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A challenging experience and what i've learned from it; defining moments for a person


coolillboi 2 / 2  
Feb 13, 2013   #1
The greatest lessons in life tend to come from challenging experiences. Please tell us about a challenging experience you have faced and what you have learned from it. (in 300 words or less)

"Challenges in life can either enrich you or poison you. You are the one who decides."
â€- Steve Maraboli
I believe that challenges and changes in life are the defining moments for a person. In the past decade I have faced several ones, which now seem as a blur but at the time were the harshest I had ever experienced. I first set foot on Canadian soil on June of 2008 after spending 14 years in my homeland Pakistan. I had moved into an environment surpassingly different than the one I came from and it was my first time something so drastic had happened.

It was my mother's decision, a decision my father did not entirely approve of. Due to this reason, barriers arose between them, which only got worse over time. In addition to coping with an array of challenges and learning to accustom myself to the language, culture and customs of a strange land, I now had to confront to the rising tension in my family. In that time I had realized a few things. Despite the fact that I had no control over the changes happening in my life, I had full control over the changes happening inside of me. I could either allow myself to be completely taken over, or face the challenges and let them nourish my mind instead.

Through these ordeals, I learned that whatever tension my parents had between them should just stay between them and not affect my relation with them or myself. I learned that despite the fact that I am now living in a place completely alien to me, it is rather an adventure not a suffering, in which I could explore endless opportunities, in which I could find myself, and what I am meant to be.

Please evaluate my essay based on:

style and substance
my individual experiences
how well i communicated
spelling, grammar and syntax

Thank you very much! :)
carito15 4 / 5  
Feb 13, 2013   #2
surprisingly instead of surpassingly ..?

was my first time something so drastic had happened.: It was the first time this has ever happened to me.
celestialnese - / 4  
Feb 13, 2013   #3
N.B: I am not a professional editor, my advices might be wrong.
You did not give the audiences a really harsh experience. You just told us you faced the harshest ever. However we cannot tell whether it is so harsh or it is just your imagination.

You probably can describe the conflict more specifically. Maybe the fight between your parents or your ideas of the bitterness.
This experience is too common, almost a cleche.
OP coolillboi 2 / 2  
Feb 13, 2013   #4
Thanks so much for your help guys! :)

And celestialnese:
yeah, i've felt the same thing about this essay. I feel that it lacks substance but i'm not sure how to make my challenging experience(s) seem more harsher to the audience. What else should i include and fix to make it more communicative and meaningful?

Thanks again! :)
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Feb 14, 2013   #5
I had moved into an environment surpassingly different than the one I came from and it was my first time that I faced something so drastic had happenedchallenging .

It was my mother's decision, a decision my father did not entirely approve of.

.... I wish if you slightly mention about this desicion because it has not really conveyed in your earlier sentence too.
It was my mother's decison that my father vehemently disapproved. (I guess it is better to highlight the rift between the two)

In addition to coping with an array of challenges and learning to accustom myself to the language, culture and customs of a strange land, I now had to confront to the rising tension in my family. In that time I had realized a few things.

Have a continuation from the previous idea. Tell how the disagreement of your parents put you in a more difficult situation. Then how you took up those challenges. How you acted to bring in peace between them.
OP coolillboi 2 / 2  
Feb 14, 2013   #6
Thank you moderater, i will take your good advice and use it to improve my essay.

Would you also kindly evaluate my essay again after i have fixed it and made some changes?


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