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A chance to describe yourself, your readiness for college, your pursuits and achievements

ceely372 1 / 3  
Oct 19, 2017   #1
Can someone proof read my essay for college? (grammar, spelling, vocab, other ideas)

Essay prompt: This is the opportunity for you to tell us more about yourself, your readiness for college, and your activities and accomplishments. Explain any personal experience, responsibilities, or challenges that have impacted you or your academic achievements.*

Application essay for college

I'm kind of shy about posting this because I feel like it sucks, but I really need the second opinion. The prompt was a little confusing to me so i think i might sound a little off topic/ rambling-- ALSO its really choppy because its my first draft, im still working on the conclusion and stuff

My essay:
Waking up to the sound of loud church bells and a breathtaking view that looked like a scene from The Sound of Music meant only one thing. Lunchtime. As I made my way to the kitchen, an array of smells climbed through my nose. Savory, fresh, sweet, rich - almost too fragrant for someone who just woke up five minutes ago. I sat my tired self in the dining room where rays of sun touched my face from the big window next to me. Lunch was served. Food that was once only comfort and pleasure in my mind, found a purpose to me. It was in Austria where I first realized that there was more to food than just eating it because it tasted so good.

Having been born in New York City, I was introduced to more foods than the average kid. I have always been ridiculously enthusiastic about it. Getting news about moving to Austria didn't have much of an effect on me at the time. Having said that, it proved to be challenging and I often found myself isolated. My greatest accomplishment at that time was having learned the German language in just six months! Despite my huge accomplishment, and desire to fit in, (being of mixed race didn't help either) kids were unaccepting and teachers were judgmental. Thoughts of going back to America often pondered in my mind but I had a motivation to not mope around. Being here for 3 years had me questioning why my memories of American cuisine and the relationship Americans had to their food was so different from the Austrian's. There was no talk of dieting or eating unhealthy. People were at a normal weight and still were able to enjoy schnitzel and pommes, which is basically fried chicken and french fries, however, it was not considered a 'fast food'. That was especially weird to me.

I lost my grandfather to Diabetes and heart disease. I remember thinking if he lived in Austria he would still be alive. I wanted to know why. What made the chicken and fries so different that it could affect human health? While my personal history has inspired my passion for food, wanting to know more about people, chemistry, biology has given me a desire to turn these into a career. Knowing that I am so privileged to have the opportunity to study my passion, and to later be able to help people with my work and knowledge, makes me humbled and so excited for my future.

naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Oct 19, 2017   #2
Hi here are some points that i would like to point out
1- first paragraph
The sound of Music ( T and M)
2- .Lunch time. ( dot +Lunch time +dot)
3- Lunch was served again a really short sentence
4- more to food ( feed)
5- having been born in New York ???
6- to more food ??? confusing like having been born
7- eating unhealthy not interesting
8- Diabetes capital letter
9- i wanted to know why really short sentence again
10- overall two major points in your writing which is questionable for me.
capitalization and short sentences
OP ceely372 1 / 3  
Oct 19, 2017   #3
I actually edited it quite a lot- here is the new version. Thanks for your review.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3344  
Oct 20, 2017   #4
Natalia, I am sorry to say that you did not respond to the prompt at all. You were asked to discuss your readiness for college, not talk about memories from your past or childhood. The essay needs to hear about your academic activities and accomplishments, or non-accomplishments that will help the reviewer asses whether or not you are capable of functioning with the rigors of a college academic setting. There is nothing in your essay that describes any of these factors. Therefore, you will need to write a new essay. In the new essay, discuss any academic activities that you had which would lead to a solid preparation on your part for college. One bit of information that you can present in that regard is if you took AP classes in high school. AP classes help to prepare the student for college by giving college type lessons in a high school setting. Or perhaps you took Kumon classes to strengthen some academic weakness that you have in Math or reading. Or, you took Kumon for advanced class preparation. If you do not have any college level preparations, then this essay should help you explain why you are not prepared for college and yet, you feel that you will be able to achieve the requirements of a college class based on alternative reasons. Talk about yourself in relation to your college preparation through your activities and accomplishments.
OP ceely372 1 / 3  
Oct 20, 2017   #5
Hi, thank you for the response! I knew I wasn't answering the prompt in the right way, but it just had me so confused. I wanted to write about my achievements and such, but I was afraid I would sound too cliche. I've heard that you shouldn't talk about those things because they see that in your application already and your essay should be unique. I took AP and IB classes but I'm struggling to relate it back to me without it being a list of what I've accomplished.

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