Chance. When you get one, you're going to want to use it wisely. My family and I immigrated to America, so I can have the chance at a better education and life. Attending the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities' PSEO Program gives me the chance to fulfill the dream my family intended for me to accomplish. Attending the U will give me a perspective of how college life will feel like. When I visited the U, I got a true feeling of their community and culture, and personally this college fits my personality. The only way for me to show you what I am capable of is for you to give me the chance. And when you do, you'll be happy you gave me the opportunity.
Taking a part at the U will pique my curiosity to prepare me for a bright future. I want to attend this college because it offers a wide range of classes and gives me the chance to explore more subjects at an advanced level. Taking the PSEO program at the U will get me ready to make decisions on my own for future plans about college and developing my career. I consider that the U's PSEO program is the best way for me to prepare myself for a college atmosphere. I truly know if I take advantage of all the options I have I will be able to push myself to get the best education. As a young woman given the opportunity to attend this college will give me the chance to prove myself amongst the best and brightest professors at the U.
Motivation, time management, and overcoming obstacles are three core concepts that will help me work hand in hand enabling me to explore life as a college student. Being accepted at the U will not only help me acquire a wealth of knowledge, but also learn the tools that will help me become a more diligent person. My one goal in life is to find something that I can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life. Becoming a doctor has always been a dream of mine, and that can be accomplished if I took pre-med. I love working with people and could absolutely see myself being a doctor. Although medical school consists of a lot of work, effort, and time, I am willing to put everything I have got into it.
I hope to gain the respect, responsibility, and appreciation for what college life is like. I have visited the U so many times, I can call it home. Since I know my way around the campus, it will make adjusting to the place a lot more easier than at any other college. I strive to continue making goals for myself and accomplishing them throughout college, and I believe that the PSEO program at the U will help me follow through with that. Which is why I know I can also represent the University of Minnesota's PSEO program in an optimistic way, and I would love to earn a spot in this program.
I think it's easier on the reader's mind when you use "I" instead of "you". Using "you" is subtly offensive to the reader. You could change that introduction so that it says: When I get one, I'm going to...
my family intended for me. to accomplish. Expressing the idea in fewer words is always stronger writing.
Attending the U will give me a perspective of how college life will feel like. I don't think this sentence helps.
When I visited the U, I got a true feeling of their community and culture, and personally this college fits my personality.
The only way for me to show you what I am capable of is for you to give me the chance. too simplistic and obvious. And this essay is supposed to be a chance. It's no good to try to use an emotional appeal like this. And when you do, you'll be happy you gave me the opportunity. I think you should use this space to talk about your short term goals, the concepts you're reading about lately, and how you can continue to follow your unique, specific interests at their program.
Taking a part at the U will pique my curiosity to prepare me for a bright future. Sentences like this do not mean anything.
My one goal in life is to find something that I can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life. --- This part has potential to bring out the theme that makes the essay interesting. What is it that you'll want to do every day and make part of your personality?
Becoming a doctor has always been a dream of mine, and that can be accomplished if I took take pre-med. ---- Be more specific. What kind of doctor? Make a plan with deadlines and goals, so the reader can see that you truly are motivated and thoughtful about the future. Too much of this essay is 'fluff', sentences that do not really carry any meaning. It's possible to use this essay as an opportunity to express a real plan, so talk about your goals and you'll inspire the reader.
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